


I See The Island

by red_scully



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author has no idea what she is doing, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo Pain Train, Ben Solo is a Mess, Brief mention of Rey/OC, Canon Divergence, Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Bond Shenanigans, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Force bond is sexy, Foreshadowing, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I guess this is a tlj fix-it of sorts, I hope that doesn't put you off, I laugh in the face of canon, I'll just keep calling it canon divergence, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Internal Conflict, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Luke is a bit of a dickwad in this, Luke is a cock block, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, Non-Linear Narrative, Overly laboured metaphors, Past Ben Solo/Tai vaguely hinted at, Rey (Star Wars) is a Mess, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey Pain Train, Rey is 12 in chapter 4, Rey is 6 in chapter 2, Slow Burn, So much angst, Tags will change as I add more chapters, That's Not How The Force Works, The Force Ships It, This ain't a pain train it's a pain wagon, Throne Sex, Time Skips, Unresolved Sexual Tension, by my standards anyway, literal space babies, or studying, or tidying my house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:40:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23073340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_scully/pseuds/red_scully
Summary: Something she couldn't quite place skittered over the back of her mind when she saw his face, like an odd sense of deja vu. He was human, and young, dark haired; handsome, even. Older than her, but with boyish features. His eyes ran slowly over her body and back up, and she found herself suppressing a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold, conditioned air; when their gazes met there it was again, a quiet, insistent whisper in her head, _I know this_, and a flip-flopping in her belly.---What if Rey and Ben were originally connected by the Force when they were still children? How would that affect their dynamic when they meet in TFA?A slightly softer, canon-divergent reimagining of the story of Rey and Ben's force bond.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 65
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

Rey was cold.  
  
Nights on Jakku could get freezing, especially in the winter, when winds swept across the desert plains at a fantastic speed and whipped up sandstorms. Sometimes the At-At would rock and list, like a boat lost at sea.  
  
She tried to reach for the blanket, but realised with a shock that she couldn't move her hands; they were trapped by something that dug into her wrists.  
  
Her eyes flew open as she remembered she wasn't on Jakku. She looked around and saw she was strapped to a chair in an unfamiliar room. She vaguely felt the quivering of ship engines, and tasted the tang of recycled air.  
  
The last thing she remembered was being in the forest, where she'd seen… him. Something dropped and fluttered in Rey's stomach as she realised she'd been taken prisoner by the masked monster from the forest. The masked monster who, she saw with a shock, was standing across the room from her now, so quiet and still that he blended into the darkness and was little more than a looming shadow. A shudder passed through her as she recalled the way he'd emerged from the trees, tall and mysterious, inspiring a surge of adrenaline and a forceful whisper she couldn't quite hear and a tumbling mess of hot raw emotions that were as inexplicable as they were ephemeral. Here, now, in this room, she was already fighting to control her breathing as her heartrate soared.  
  
Who was he? Why did he want her? What was he going to do? And why did he make her blood boil?  
  
Shifting in the cold chair, she found her voice, and started with the easiest question. "Where am I?"   
  
When he didn't immediately respond she almost wondered if he was a figment of her imagination - another vision, like she'd had in the castle. Perhaps she'd incurred a head injury? She twisted her head slightly, searching for pain, and was taken aback when he suddenly spoke.  
  
"You're my guest."  
  
Rey blinked. If he was trying to be droll, it was impossible to tell. He was giving nothing away, still lurking in the darkness. She was incensed. Why was he being such a coward, hiding behind that mask? She wanted to scream at him, but she didn't; not yet.  
  
"Where are the others?"  
  
"You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? You'll be relieved to hear that I have no idea."  
  
His voice, filtered as it was through the vocabulator, rattled in Rey's head and made her feel nauseated. It was a relief to hear that Finn and the Resistance had been spared this ordeal, but then she realised that meant she was probably all alone on this ship, with little chance of rescue, and panic momentarily spiked inside her. How long had she been here? It might have been days; they could be anywhere in the galaxy by now. She looked around the room desperately, trying to find exits, looking for weaknesses where she might break her way out. She tried the restraints again, but it was futile. She was filled with the desire to launch herself across the room and strike him down; she'd break his neck, snap his bones if she had to. Anything to stop the waves of rage that were crashing inside her.  
  
He seemed amused, suddenly. "You still want to kill me."  
  
Taken aback that he could read her so plainly, she spat back a response. "That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask." Fury was bubbling away beneath her skin.  
  
He paused again, one beat, two beats. Then, to her surprise, he reached up and pulled the ugly mask off of his head.  
  
Something she couldn't quite place skittered over the back of her mind when she saw his face, like an odd sense of deja vu. He was human, and young, dark haired; handsome, even. Older than her, but with boyish features. His dark eyes ran slowly over her body and back up, and she found herself suppressing a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold, conditioned air; when their gazes met there it was again, a quiet, insistent whisper in her head, _I know this_ , and a flip-flopping in her belly.  
  
Rey spat a curse at him, trying to drag herself back to reality, and he recoiled.  
  
_Good_ , she told herself. _He deserves to fear me_. But something twisted in her stomach and she was struggling to concentrate on his words.  
  
He came closer. The way this boy talked was so familiar, somehow. She already knew the lilt and rhythm of his voice, the shape of his sentences. As he leaned over, his breath grazed Rey's lips. His scent - sweat and sweetness - somehow reminded her of those cold, dark nights on Jakku, and she couldn't resist the memories as they rushed in - the loneliness, the desperate sadness, and something else…  
  
"You know I can take whatever I want."  
  
His voice was barely above a whisper. He narrowed his eyes, and with a jolt she saw through all the pomp and grandeur and layers of black fabric. She knew she was supposed to feel scared by his words, but they didn't ring true. The mask had made him seem dangerous, and without it something was missing. He was playing a role, and she wasn't fooled.  
  
"I know you've seen the map. It's in there... and now you'll give it to me."  
  
A gloved hand raised to her face and for the briefest of moments she thought he might touch her, but he didn't.  
  
Instead, with a great dizzying jolt, Rey felt him reach inside her head with his thoughts, reading her memories. Gasping at the shock of being invaded so intimately, she pushed back, attempting to resist him. But he was stronger than her, and she couldn't stop him from sliding deeper inside. Instead, she pushed the map as far out of his sight as possible by concentrating on her body. She twisted in the cold chair, her back aching against the unforgiving surface. She tugged at the wrist restraints again, tried to kick out with her legs, leaned her head back and felt her neck crunch as something shifted.  
  
His invasion of her thoughts paused suddenly as he hit something old and buried, and images of a beautiful, lush green island surrounded by glittering blue seas rushed into Rey's consciousness. He brushed the thoughts gently with his mind as they became clearer. It had golden beaches, she knew, and tall trees with large fronds that rustled gently in the breeze. The air tasted salty and waves lapped at the shore. He turned the picture over inside her mind, caressing it with something that felt like fondness. Rey desperately wanted to reach for it with him, but when she tried a sharp, long-forgotten old pain cut through her body, making her gasp - warning her off. She couldn't go there: she wouldn't. She squeezed her eyes closed as tears spilled out, betraying her.  
  
The boy seemed transfixed.  
  
"You're so lonely… at night, desperate to sleep…"  
  
Something that she thought might be sadness passed across his face for a second. She saw him blink. She smelled the leather of his glove as his hand hovered by her cheek.  
  
"I see it," he murmured, his lips inches from hers, his voice faltering, though he was trying to disguise it. "I see the island."  
  
Rey's insides flip-flopped again.  
  
"Get out of my head," she begged. Their gazes met, and for the briefest of seconds she couldn't breathe: heat was coursing through her, something in her soul was aching and keening.  
  
"Don’t be afraid," he whispered. His pupils were dark and perspiration was gathering on his brow. He swallowed. Any closer, and she could have tasted him. "I feel it too."  
  
He crawled back into her mind again, looking at something she hadn't thought to hide.  
  
"Han Solo. You feel like he's the father you never had."  
  
Rey felt embarrassment flush her wet cheeks at this admission. She thought of Han's kind face, the way he'd looked at her when she bypassed the compressor. It had made her heart hurt to realise nobody had looked at her like that in such a long time. She swallowed down a sob; her throat was burning, her chest was tight.  
  
"He would've disappointed you."  
  
Avoiding his eyes, Rey shook her head in defiance. It wasn't true; she wouldn't accept it. She had been disappointed by everyone she'd ever loved, she thought… the memories started to surface, and suddenly she realised the boy wasn't looking for the map any more: he was scrabbling at a wall she'd built years ago, trying to pull it down brick by brick with his thoughts. She panicked, and with a wild shriek she summoned strength from somewhere, and shoved him out.   
  
Breathing hard, he jerked away from her. Surprise was blooming on his face, and as she looked at him once more she couldn't resist the urge to dive forwards and into _his_ mind, intent on poking something that would hurt him back. She didn't even stop to wonder how she knew to do it; it just happened instinctively, as natural as breathing.  
  
She struggled for a few long seconds on the edge as he tried to resist her, but she managed to slide past his defences, and once she was inside she found it quickly, unguarded, almost as if he had offered it up to her: a big, hateful, quivering mass of evil, which sickened her to her stomach. Something cold and icy stabbed her insides as she realised what it was. Drawing a deep breath, just barely holding onto control of his mind by a tiny golden thread, Rey leaned back and forced the words past her lips. "You're afraid you'll never be as strong as Darth Vader."  
  
She felt his shock soar as clearly if it were her own, and within an instant he'd ejected her from his head - but not before she caught the faintest glimpse of something else. Something achingly familiar, something that felt like home, something that smelled of sand and durasteel and the darkest nights, something warm and comforting.  
  
He knew she'd seen it; she could feel it pouring off of him.  
  
He looked at her once more with those dark eyes before turning and walking out, leaving her feeling bereft in a deep, frightening, familiar way. His scent lingered where he'd breathed against her; sweat and spices and sweetness and dirt. She swallowed hard, trying to push down the traitorous heat he'd left in his wake. He was gone, but there was a quiet desperation inside her, begging for him to return.  
  
Rey knew, then, with a great rushing jolt, that all of this _felt_ familiar to her not because of a mind trick, but because it absolutely _was familiar._  
  
She had felt it before, many years ago, before she built that wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you tell me a bedtime story, Benjy?" she asked him, reaching for her dolly. "It's so cold and I'm really tired."

Rey was crying.

It was cold in the At-At. The sun had set hours ago, and the wind was blowing, making her little home shake from side to side. It was scary. She hugged her dolly closer to her chest and sucked on her thumb, willing the tears to stop so that she could sleep.

Her family had been gone forever, she thought, glancing up at the wall where she'd been marking off the days. A whole row of lines since they'd gone. Forever.

She wanted her parents. She didn't want uncle Plutt, who was mean, and didn't give her enough food, who shouted at her and made her climb into dirty old ships looking for bits of metal. She wanted her mum, who would have bandaged up her hand when she sliced it on that awful sharp thing. She wanted her daddy, who would have kissed it better, lifted her on his shoulders and carried her home, to a home where they all lived.

The wind howled outside. Rey wiggled her toes, trying to warm up her feet under the thin blanket. Her lamp flickered, and she held her breath: sometimes it didn't last the night, and then she'd lay awake until daybreak, panting in the darkness, terrified of what monsters might be lurking in the corners of her house.

Sniffling, Rey scrubbed the tears from her face and curled into a ball, and tried to ignore her rumbling tummy and the throbbing of her hand under the rag she'd wrapped around it.

The lamp flickered again - off, and on, and off. Oh, no.

She willed herself to close her eyes and tried to control her breathing, but she was scared, and there was a strange buzzing feeling on her skin. She tried to count seconds in her head. One, two, three…

She opened her eyes, and to her absolute horror saw a dark shadow near the door. It had to be a dream, it had to be a dream. She wiggled her toes again, bit her tongue and tried desperately to wake up.

The light flickered back on. Rey blinked - but the figure was still there. A monster had gotten in. Fear gripped her chest and before she could stop herself, she screamed and backed away until she was pressed against the cold durasteel of the inside of the At-At.

The shadow moved - then made a sound.

"What - who are you?!"

The monster was talking, Rey realised suddenly as she tried to stop shaking. She squinted in the dim light, trying to make out what - or who - it was.

It stood up, and she saw that it was a boy.

How did he get in here?! She'd wedged the door closed with a big heavy stick before laying down to sleep. Her eyes darted over and checked that yes, it was still in place. Was there a hole in the roof? A secret trapdoor she didn't know about?

Maybe this is a ghost, she thought, and new fear rose inside her.

The boy came a bit closer, and she forced herself to look at him. He was older than her, with messy dark hair and a big nose. He was wearing light coloured sleepwear and, to her surprise, had bare feet. Rey couldn't believe anyone would walk around on the Jakku sand without shoes on, so she decided he was definitely a ghost. She remembered her daddy telling her once that ghosts can't hurt you, and she felt a little bit better. He'd never told her they can talk, though. Curious now, Rey leaned forwards.

"Hi! My name's Rey. Who are you?"

He frowned. "I'm Ben. How did you get in here?"

Rey was confused. She looked around just in case she'd been magically transported somewhere by the ghost but no, she was still in her At-At. Ghosts must not be very clever, she thought.

"I live here, silly! This is my house!"

Ben paused, then he looked around too. Rey shivered - it was really cold and the blankets had slipped from her shoulders - and wondered if he was cold, too. Could ghosts feel temperatures? "Do you want one of my blankets?" She offered.

"I don't need a blanket. It's really warm tonight," he said, running his hands through his hair. Rey giggled. Silly ghost.

"How old are you, Rey?" He asked, settling down on the floor right by her bed.

Sitting up straight, trying to make herself taller, Rey cleared her throat. "I am six and a half standard years old," she said. "How old are you?"

Ben nodded. "I'm sixteen." He crinkled his eyes. "Where are your mom and dad?"

Tears jumped into Rey's eyes again. She hadn't expected him to ask her that. She looked away, but couldn't stop herself from letting out a little sob as she caught sight of the scratches on the wall and remembered it all again - them flying away in the ship, uncle Plutt dragging her to Niima, that first night all alone when he shoved her into the At-At and closed the door. Rey curled in on herself, ashamed to let a stranger, even a ghostly one, see her crying. Balling a hand in her scratchy old blanket, she swallowed hard and forced out, "I'm all alone. Mum and dad went away and left me here with uncle Plutt."

His hand was suddenly on her back. He was warm and big and didn't feel like a ghost at all. She let him put an arm around her as she cried.

"It's ok, Rey," he whispered. "My mom and dad sent me away to be with my uncle too. I miss them."

Sniffling, she rubbed her nose with her arm.   
"He's not my real uncle. Daddy told me he's just a pretend uncle, until they come back for me." She looked down at her lap. "But they've been gone for ages, and he's mean."

Ben twitched beside her. "Did he hurt you?" Rey shook her head.

"No, but he doesn't feed me, and he makes me do work for him. He won't let me play." She pouted a bit, feeling indignant. "It's not fair."

The lamp flickered again and Rey's stomach dropped. Ben's hand found hers; he squeezed it gently. "No, it's not fair. I'm sorry," he said, his voice quiet.

He was so nice. Maybe he could take care of her, like a big brother, just until her parents came back. It would be fun to have a friend who was a ghost. Maybe he could teach her tricks. She felt a bit better.

"Can you tell me a bedtime story, Benjy?" she asked him, reaching for her dolly. "It's so cold and I'm really tired."

He looked up at her from the floor and reached out to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Ok, sure. Lie down, then."

She complied, scrambling under the blankets. The lamplight was flickering again, making funny shapes on his face and casting a dark shadow on the wall. She wondered for a moment how a ghost could have a shadow. Maybe he was a special kind of ghost that daddy never mentioned before.

"Close your eyes," he prompted. She drew a deep breath, and mustered all her courage.

"When I can't sleep, I imagine an island. I'll tell you about it, and then when you can't sleep, you can see it too," he said quietly. She nodded, already feeling the world start to fade away.

He continued. "It has big sandy beaches that go on forever, and beautiful trees with huge fronds. When the wind blows, they rustle gently. The ocean around it is vast and blue. It's so peaceful. You sit on a clifftop near a temple and look out at the waves, and watch the birds diving in to find fish. The air tastes of salt. You're warm and safe. The island is home."

Rey could see it now, the trees and the birds and the green. She sighed and shifted on her pillow, relaxing her head, imagining that beautiful breeze on her face, the delicious fruits growing everywhere so she was never hungry, and long warm days and happiness...

She opened her eyes. It was morning. She heard the Teedos pass by outside on their way to the Niima outpost, the luggabeast groaning and snuffling as usual. Sitting up, she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked around, but Benjy was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I've never written from a child's point of view before, so I hope I did little Rey justice. Chapter 3 should be up in about a week.
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey was scared. She was good at fighting, but this was not Jakku. The air was not dry but thick and damp, the ground below her feet was not shifting sands but dirt frozen solid, there were so many trees, and a strange feeling was creeping through her which she couldn't quite place. She stared at her opponent, this man twice her size, who she knew had been trained in use of the Force.
> 
> But Rey knew the Force, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little later than planned, as I've been pretty stressed with work this week. Thanks to everyone who left kudos on chapters 1 and 2! I hope you enjoy this week's reimagining of Rey and Kylo battling on Starkiller.

Rey had never seen snow before; she'd never known it could be _so cold_. She'd never before imagined the way the flakes glittered as they fell; the crunch of it underfoot; the way it blanketed the trees. It would have been beautiful if she wasn't on a collapsing planet, fighting for her life.

Sweat trickled down her back as she swung the lightsaber around to point it at the man whose chosen name, she had learned, was Kylo Ren.

The snow was falling hard, stinging where it landed on her skin. The heat from the blade of the saber caused the flakes on her face to melt as she lifted it to a defensive stance. Her eyes flickered over to Finn, who was lying under a tree.

The lightsaber was heavy, and it slipped a little in Rey's grip as she tried to get used to wielding a one-ended weapon rather than her staff. She focused on its weight, on the cold ridges of the handle, on the burning of her lungs as she inhaled the freezing air.

Kylo Ren, _the monster_ , Han Solo's son, was stood mere metres away, his father's blood still on his hands. Rey looked him over, noticing his wound from where Chewie shot him with the bowcaster. Blood was trickling down his body and onto the frozen ground; he was badly injured, she realised. As their eyes met the strange deja-vu washed over her again, even as his took his lightsaber, a hateful crackling red thing, and pointed it directly at her.

A long second passed, but he didn't move and didn't speak. The saber spat and hissed. Rey tried, for a second, to break into his mind like she had before, but he was guarding himself this time. He pushed against her mind a little, too; she fought him off.

Rey was scared. She was good at fighting, but this was not Jakku. The air was not dry but thick and damp, the ground below her feet was not shifting sands but dirt frozen solid, there were so many trees, and a strange feeling was creeping through her which she couldn't quite place. She stared at her opponent, this man twice her size, who she knew had been trained in use of the Force.

But Rey knew the Force, too. She'd used it somehow, _somehow_ , to get the lightsaber into her own hands. She'd escaped from the First Order ship, and she'd read Kylo Ren's mind. She'd stolen things from his mind. She reached out with her soul and she could _feel him_. Warm and cold and love and rage and a million other conflicting emotions blossomed inside her. She knew, suddenly, that they'd always been there, trapped behind that wall.

Her eyes met Kylo's again and something hot flowed between them.

 _An island_.

She blinked the image away. Kylo grimaced, then huffed with pain; his breath crystallised in the air. The wind picked up and the snow flurried around them, forming a vortex.

A voice whispered in Rey's mind that she could do this. She didn't want to think about how she knew that voice.

Glancing over at Finn once last time - he looked dead, but he wasn't, _she could feel it,_ she realised - she gritted her teeth, drew a deep breath of the freezing air, and charged towards her enemy.

Often, when battling - for food, or scrap, or her safety - Rey would feel as if she had left the fight entirely, like she had stepped out of her body and left it to follow its instincts. Now, as she and Kylo Ren fought and parried and swung their lightsabers, she could almost close her eyes. Time slowed down and she could feel his every move coming; she ducked and turned, avoiding his swings. She sensed a sudden bolt of pain soar through him when he twisted to meet her, and she took advantage and dove forwards - but he saw what she was doing, and blocked her. It was like a dance; Rey had never danced in her life, but she'd seen her parents doing it once, many years ago, way back Before, and it came to mind now as she and Kylo seemed to sweep through the forest in some sort of perfect harmony, backwards and forwards with perfect grace. The weight of the lightsaber in her hands was familiar now as she blocked his next move, dove towards him, saw his counter-attack coming, and dodged it as if they'd been sparring together their whole lives. The snow cracked under her feet as she span around to try and trap him against a tree, and she looked up at his face and into his eyes once more.

_An island -_

This time Rey's concentration momentarily snapped as the image entered her mind, and she tripped on a root, tumbling headlong towards Kylo, who only just darted sideways to avoid her. He too seemed to have lost his focus; his eyes were wide and the lightsaber hung by his side.

Breathing hard, Rey turned back towards her opponent. Snowflakes had lodged in his thick hair and frozen there, and a small curl was stuck to his cheek. She felt the sudden, unbearable desire to reach out her hand and brush it away. The Force buzzed in the air and through her, and for a second his pain was her pain, her wound, their shared affliction.

Suddenly Kylo lifted his saber again and came at her, breaking the connection that had opened up between them, and the dance resumed; Rey blocked him, sidestepped, made a desperate jab, was cut off. She huffed with frustration and swang her weapon sloppily, missing by a mile. He was coming towards her and her balance was off, and she was about to leap backwards but then there was a tremendous roar, and behind her the ground shifted and dropped away, creating a sheer cliff edge that she sensed without even looking around. It caused her to stop dead; he swung his lightsaber up, and she blocked it at the last second, stumbling slightly under the weight.

_The breeze, the ocean -_

Rey swallowed hard, trying desperately to shove the memory back down as she fought to stay upright with Kylo bearing down upon her. He drew his face close to hers. Her sweat-soaked shirt was sticking to her back, but it wasn't the cause of the shiver she tried to suppress. The blades of their weapons crackled and screeched; the heat rising from where they met lit up his eyes, making him appear crazed. She blinked, almost blinded by the light. He pushed against her saber a little harder and she nearly lost her balance, but caught herself and pushed back. She breathed in deeply, smelling his sweat, his spicy cologne, and the scent of drying blood.

"You need a teacher!" he said suddenly, his voice wavering, like it had on the ship. "I can show you the ways of the Force!"

A wave of temptation crashed through Rey, startling her. Something in her soul was yearning. She closed her eyes to try and regain her focus -

_The glittering ocean, the birds singing and the trees moving in the breeze -_

"NO!" She heard herself scream. With a power she'd never felt before, Rey pushed Kylo Ren off of her and fought for her life. This time there was no dance, no back and forth, no poetic rhythm; she was attacking him. And she was winning. Soon she had him stumbling backwards and then he fell. He wasn't fighting her any more, he wasn't even trying to, but she didn't care; she slashed at his face, letting a streak of rage get the better of her. He howled like an animal, and all of a sudden she could feel his pain again -

_The beach the birds the trees the temple the glittering ocean_

_Peace_

Rey gasped and her finger slipped on the lightsaber, shutting it off with a great _whoosh_. She couldn't tell where the images were coming from: were they in his head? Or hers? Who was delving into whose mind? She was dizzy suddenly; she felt his pain, his fear. Her skin tingled, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end.

She forced her eyes open - when had she closed them? - and met his gaze. Her stomach flip-flopped. Something was pouring off of him; perhaps fear, perhaps something else. The Force crackled around them; she could see the edge of his mind, she could feel the icy cold ground against his back. Her face throbbed where she'd burned him with her blade.

Snow swirled around them in slow motion, voices whispered in the air, and Rey moved forwards and offered Kylo Ren her hand.

"Benjy," she heard herself say.

Their minds met again. The images swept from him to her and back again; she smelled Jakku air and durasteel; she was filled with a sweet, warm pain; she knew his heart was aching for something he'd lost.

There was a terrific cracking sound, shaking Rey out of the dreamlike state. She looked around, shocked, as the ground moved beneath her feet again, and then a great chasm opened up between her and Kylo Ren, separating him from her.

" _Rey_ ," she swore she could hear him whispering, but it was surely impossible over the roar of the earth; he was too far away, and moving further with every passing second. It was too late to jump over the gulf to be with him; the gap was too wide. The planet was collapsing.

Realising what was happening, Rey turned and ran. She ran as fast as she could, away from the boy who had been her only friend as a little girl, who had comforted her on her darkest nights, and who had ultimately left her all alone, just like everybody else.

Tears froze on her cheeks as she tore through the forest and tried to feel nothing but the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard, guys! It's not in my nature to write anything resembling slow burn; the temptation to throw the plan out of the window was STRONG this week. I hope you appreciated my restraint. Next chapter should be up in a week; we will be returning to Jakku for a nice slice of angst :-)
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!   
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Within a fraction of a second of his arrival, Rey knew something was wrong; waves of pain were pouring into her body from his, and he was curled into a tight ball - crying, she realised.
> 
> "Benjy, what's happened?" She scrambled out of the bed, nearly tripping over the end of the blanket in her haste, and crouched beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during the events of Bloodline, by Claudia Gray. If you haven't read that book - I cannot recommend it highly enough! This chapter could perhaps be considered a spoiler, if you squint.

The scrap metal was hot in the sun, and it burned Rey's hands as she dragged it over the sand to Unkar Plutt. She withstood it for as long as she could, before eventually the pain became a white-hot urgency and she dropped the large exhaust on the sand. " _Kriff!"_ she cursed, blowing on her fingertips in a vain effort to cool them down a little. A nearby woman looked over sharply.

"Mind your manners, girl!" she scolded.

Rey shrugged. "Sorry," she offered, resisting the urge to curse again just to cause an upset. She was feeling petulant a lot these days. She hated it when people treated her like a little girl.

Sweat was trickling down her legs. She cupped a hand over her eyes to look towards Niima outpost. It was getting late in the day and the sun, hot as it was, had started to dip low in the sky. She squinted, watching the few scavengers who hadn't yet done enough to eat today as they polished and buffed their meagre offerings. She was tired, so tired. This would have to do. She wanted to go home, talk to Benjy, and then sleep.

Her stomach flipped a little as she thought of him.

Plutt gave her a half portion for the scrap; it was a decent score, all things told, but she had the feeling that he wouldn't be treating her differently than the other scavengers for much longer. Soon she would be thirteen standard years old, and considered an adult. Finally; finally people would stop treating her like a child.

She stopped at the water station to refill her canteens. A man and a woman were there, one of them showing the other something on a datapad. Rey stared; datapads were hard to come by on Jakku, even the cheap, solar-powered ones. Feeling bold, she moved closer, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever was on the display.

"It's just shocking," the woman was saying, shaking her head as she swiped on the screen. The man dunked a canteen into the water trough.

"It's hardly surprising though, is it? These politicians all have skeletons in their closets. And she was in the rebellion - she probably killed loads of people during the war. It takes a certain sort of bloodline to produce someone who can win a war like that." He put the lid back on his bottle and took the datapad out of the woman's hand; Rey squinted over his shoulder and just barely saw the words _Scandal In The Senate_ before he pressed a button and the screen went dark.

The woman shrugged. "Even so. Related to him! To _Vader_! I just can't believe it. Her career is over."

Rey frowned, wondering who they were talking about. She heard snatches of what was happening in the galaxy, from time to time, and had for a while even had her own datapad. She'd spent her evenings, then, trying to read the news from other planets. She knew the Senate was in trouble, even back then, but her understanding of the situation was poor, and her reading skills weren't good enough to follow the more detailed articles.

She missed that connection to the galaxy. Some boys had beat her up and taken the device from her during an especially bad time when too many scavengers were all working the graveyard at the same time, and decent scrap had become harder to find. She was lucky they didn't take more from her.

The two strangers finished collecting water and headed off; Rey took her turn, grateful to find that there was still water available this late in the day.

She trudged home, through the starship graveyard and back to her At-At. The sun was very low, now, just barely peeking over the dunes, and her house cast a long shadow. When she stepped into its darkness, she shivered a little at the drop in temperature. Soon it would be dark. She was later than usual.

Rey ate her portion quickly, washed it down with half a canteen of water and locked herself in for the night. She turned on the lamp, then wedged the metal pole against the door and tested it. Ever since the robbery, she was extra careful to check that it was in place.

Benjy would be here soon.

She took a moment to look at herself in the small, polished bit of mirror she'd salvaged from a ship a while ago. She noticed how her hips were starting to round a little. She smiled at herself, then pulled a stupid face and giggled. After a few minutes of considering her changing body, she turned and carefully scratched a line on the wall, trying not to acknowledge the jolt of loneliness that crashed over as she looked at the hundreds of other marks she'd made there. The job done, she fussed with her doll for a while before eventually climbing under the blanket, leaning back against the wall and daydreaming about the day she could get her speeder licence.

When the familiar tingling feeling crept over her skin, and her hair stood ever so slightly on end, and that great _whooshing_ feeling flowed through her body, Rey's stomach twisted and flipped.

The boy - the man, she supposed now, as he was ten standard years older than her - appeared with a _pop_ , laying on the floor at the other end of the At-At. And within a fraction of a second of his arrival, Rey knew something was wrong; waves of pain were pouring into her body from his, and he was curled into a tight ball - crying, she realised.

"Benjy, what's happened?" She scrambled out of the bed, nearly tripping over the end of the blanket in her haste, and crouched beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He moved his hand over hers - such big hands, she thought, so big and warm and normally so comforting. He didn't speak, but he was sobbing softly. This had never happened before; in all his hundreds of visits, never had he shown his emotions this plainly. Swallowing hard, Rey tried to figure out what to do. What did her mama used to do when her father was sad?

She realised with a shock that she couldn't remember.

Taking a deep breath, she rubbed Benjy's back. "Hush," she whispered. She could do this. She was almost an adult now; she could handle this responsibility. He sniffled.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was coming out as a whisper. She felt stupid, like she was play acting at being in control, but he didn't seem to notice. He sat up, rubbing his face on the sleeve of his blue nightshirt. His pretty eyes were all red and puffy. Rey's stomach flipped. She twisted and reached behind her, grabbed the edge of the blanket; she pulled it off the bed and draped it over his shoulders. He accepted it silently, tugging it around himself like a cloak. He was so tall and usually towered over her, but as she watched the tears roll down his face, he seemed like a little boy in front of her, like they'd traded roles. She wished desperately for a second that her mama was here to help.

At a loss, Rey settled for rubbing his back again, feeling the bones of his spine under her fingertips. He was still weeping.

"My mom called me," he muttered, after a while, his voice wobbly and high. He didn't speak often of his parents, mostly making offhand comments about how his uncle kept jetting off on work trips. When he did mention his mother it was always to complain about how she'd sent him away to school and never visited. Rey didn't even realise that they had kept in touch. She blinked as he cleared his throat. "Because there was… some bad news."

This sounded serious to Rey. She sat up straighter, trying to fake herself into feeling confident and grown up and capable of handling this situation. Bad News normally meant something awful, like a death, or a sickness, or - on Jakku, anyway - some sort of food shortage. She felt dizzy at this idea.

"She never told me that she… that I'm…." He looked down at his hands, before curling down again and letting out a cry. The blanket slipped from his shoulders; Rey gently picked it up and draped it over him again. "I don't want this to be my destiny," he whispered. "It's not fair. I'm trying so hard… _I'm trying._ "

He wasn't making sense. Rey felt helpless. She looked down at him, at his dark, curly hair which he'd allowed to grow so long recently, at his familiar face as it contorted into an unrecognisable expression. There was a strange, haunted desperation in his eyes when he looked up at her. She felt a lump in her throat; _she hated_ seeing him this way. It made her own soul hurt; his pain was gnawing inside of her. She fought back the sob that was rising in her own throat and took a deep, shaky breath _. I have to be strong for him. He is hurting. I have to be a grown up_.

He put a hand on her cheek. "Oh, my little Rey. Thank you for being my friend," he whispered.

When his tears finally stopped, it seemed like hours had passed. She would normally be long asleep by now, drifting into the comfort of the island he led her to night after night.

"What can I do to make you feel better?" she asked.

He shrugged, but Rey suddenly knew what to do, and how to comfort him. "Here, lie down," she told him, scooting back to make room. He obliged, curling onto his side. She'd never understood how he could sleep down here on the cold, durasteel floor. The nature of his apparition was still a mystery to her; when she was little she thought he was a ghost, but now she was grown up she knew he couldn't be. Ghosts didn't cry, and weren't solid enough to touch. Sometimes, when their thoughts mingled, or like tonight when she could feel his feelings, she was sure he was just a second half of her, somehow projected out into another being.

She shifted to settle cross-legged beside him, gingerly ran a hand through his hair, then took his hand. She leaned close to his face, and whispered.

_You're on a beautiful island, in the middle of the glittering ocean. A cool breeze is blowing against your face._

His eyes fluttered closed and he sighed. She kept going, painting him the same picture that he did for her every night. She could see it clearly, now, the white sands, insects buzzing, the temple atop the hill. The distress in Benjy's heart was lessening, and his hand slowly relaxed in hers until it fell free.

Long after he'd fallen asleep, long after her backside had gone numb and the cold had settled into her bones, Rey sat still beside him, waiting. It was the longest she'd ever been in his presence.

When a sense of peace finally rose out of his soul and wrapped around her, she eased herself onto her knees and crawled to bed, falling asleep instantly for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh you guys! I never imagined I'd enjoy writing these two as much as I am. Aren't they terribly precious? Thanks to everyone who's left me kudos or a comment so far - you are keeping me on track with my schedule :) Work has been insane with the pandemic and all, so it's good to have this to regularly focus on! Next chapter will be up in a week.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The connection was so strong now that Rey could smell him; sweat and spices, and a sweetness that she remembered, suddenly, from so many years ago. She relented for a moment, and allowed herself to recall it all: that gentle flip-flopping in her belly as the connection rushed in; the long evenings telling each other stories; him holding her hand when the wind picked up and she was scared; the innocence of it, two lost children who just wanted someone to comfort them. She thought of his voice as he'd whispered, lulling her off to sleep; of how safe and protected he'd made her feel. The wall she'd constructed to protect herself after he left was being torn down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to get intense for Rey now! We haven't quite reached M rating status yet, but we're well on the way.

Rey shivered, even though she wasn't cold.

The Resistance base on D'Qar was unheated, but D'Qar was a jungle planet and the air temperature was pleasant. And Leia had insisted on giving Rey her own room, with a real bed, and two heavy blankets to sleep under. She'd protested strongly against such luxuries, but the General wouldn't budge.

She'd not protested so much when they took her to the mess hall and fed her a proper meal. Rey had never seen so much food before in her life.

Now here she lay, with a full belly, in a room with a door that locked, feeling warm and relatively safe, and yet her mind was churning. Reeling. Spinning.

She shook her head and breathed deeply, then turned onto her back. Her body was sore from the battle on Starkiller and she was reluctantly grateful to Leia for her generosity. The mattress was so soft; it had been years since she'd laid on something this comfortable. She repressed the sudden flashback and bit her tongue to try and ground herself.

The creeping feeling, the babbling and whispering and endless waves of visions in her head was not going away; in fact, it seemed to be getting worse. Something had awoken inside her. It'd risen to a crescendo as she ran from _him_ in the snow, as the memories had come rushing back - but surely now, now that she was pushing him back behind that wall in her head - surely it would go away?

She heard her own name, in a deep voice, barely there, like a gentle breeze. Another shudder ripped through her.

All she wanted was to get some rest, but sleep was eluding her. There was only one solution she could think of right now, and it seemed disrespectful to even consider in this strange bed, as a guest of the Resistance. The murmurs grew louder as she felt the idea grow inside her anyway. Her heart was hammering in her chest and her body clenched. For a second, she felt _him_ brushing against her mind.

She sat up suddenly, blocking him out, trying to repress the feeling rising inside her. He was trying to push into her thoughts, trying to whisper to her. What was happening? She resisted, even as somewhere deep inside she felt a yearning.

_The island the island the island_

Glancing at the chrono on the wall and seeing it was nearly sunrise, Rey abandoned the idea of sleep and climbed out of bed, her legs wobbling underneath her as she shoved everything down, down, down.

\---

Han's memorial service was mercifully short.

Rey stood at the back of the crowd in the clearing, not wanting to intrude on the grief of Leia and Chewie. There were a few speeches, and a symbolic ritual burying of some trinkets in the ground.

As Chewie spoke, his voice wavering and making it hard to follow - Shyriiwook was a difficult language, and Rey wasn't fluent - she felt a tingling, whooshing feeling. It was old and familiar and for the briefest of seconds Rey was back on Jakku, a little girl waiting for her friend to appear before her. The sensation had been so long forgotten that its sudden return nearly knocked her off her feet; she bent double and drew a shuddering breath as it hit. Someone behind her, mistaking this for grief, put a hand on her shoulder and told her it would be ok. She shrugged it off, barely noticing them, gritting her teeth and trying to push _him_ away.

She heard his voice in her head, saying her name again. For a second she was sure he was here with her. She looked around frantically, but all she saw were pilots and engineers, their heads bowed for a moment of silence.

Fury hit Rey, deep and consuming. He hurt her, he left her, he killed Han in front of her, he nearly killed Finn, and now he was trying to interrupt this moment of peace? Leaning into the connection now, rather than resisting it, focusing on her anger and concentrating hard, she shot a message out to him through the walls of her mind and across the stars.

_I'm at your father's funeral, you murderous kriffing monster_.

A bolt of grief - his, she knew - shot through her heart, and then the tingling was gone. She was back in the jungle, under the midday sun, just another mourner at a memorial.

Tears ran down Rey's face. She wasn't sure if they were hers.

\---

On her third day at the base, Rey was summoned to Leia's office.

The General was so gentle with her, so motherly and kind, that it made Rey's heart ache. She smelled of flowers and soap. She asked questions - where was Rey from? Was there anything she needed? Did she have any loved ones they could send for and bring to her?

At this last question Rey broke down in tears, telling Leia the whole story about her parents leaving, about Plutt and the spaceship graveyard and how she'd come to be mixed up in all of this by pure chance. She sat in the wooden chair, elbows on Leia's desk, and scrubbed at her face. Leia rose from behind the desk to stand beside Rey, rubbing her back to soothe her until she calmed down.

"We'll take care of you, Rey," she said gently. "We don't have a lot here, but it's better than Jakku. We can be your family."

Rey looked up into the General's eyes. She had a kind face, and her hair was twisted on top of her head into a beautiful braid. Rey thought back to her mother teaching her to put her hair into buns; it had never occurred to her to do anything else with it. For a moment, she pondered how she'd look with a braid like Leia's.

She wondered if Leia would teach her.

Glancing around the office, Rey's eyes landed on a small vessel atop a cabinet, containing what looked like quills. She frowned in surprise; people still had those? Leia followed her gaze, a shadow passing over her face when she realised what Rey was looking at.

"Those belonged to Ben," she said quietly.

Here it was; the elephant in the room, the topic they'd been avoiding for the past hour. Rey waited patiently for Leia to speak, not knowing what to say. How did you ask someone to explain why their child had grown up to be a mass murderer?

The General drew a deep breath, and avoided looking Rey in the eye. And then she told her story; about her little boy, whose powers had come when he was young, causing him to accidentally set fires, or break things when he got upset. She explained how she and Han had been scared, and how they'd come to send him away to Luke's Jedi academy, convinced he could learn to control his abilities.

Rey felt her heart pounding as Benjy's voice echoed in her ears. _My mom and dad sent me away to be with my uncle._

When Leia told her about the day the family connection to Vader was outed in the Senate, Rey's breath caught in her throat. She closed her eyes and remembered Benjy's tear-streaked face, his body shuddering with distress under her cautious touch, the story she'd read on the datapad _. I don't want this to be my destiny_ , he'd said. She squeezed her eyes more tightly closed as the pieces came together. Conflict swirled around her as the whispers and visions leaked through her walls and consumed her mind.

_The island, Rey, come with me to the island_

_Han Solo being run through on the catwalk_

_His hand on hers as she cried, a lost little girl who wanted her mother_

_His gloved hand hovering by her face as he pulled secrets out of her head_

"I know there's still light in my son," Leia murmured. "You've spoken to him. Could you sense it?"

Rey blinked, coming back to reality. Now was the time to tell the General everything. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out.

_My little Rey_

_You know I can take anything I want_

_You need a teacher_

"I don't know," she finally admitted. Leia's eyes filled with tears.

\---

On the third night, lying in bed, she nearly gave in.

The connection was so strong now that she could smell him; sweat and spices, and a sweetness that she remembered, suddenly, from so many years ago. She relented for a moment, and allowed herself to recall it all: that gentle flip-flopping in her belly as the connection rushed in; the long evenings telling each other stories; him holding her hand when the wind picked up and she was scared; the innocence of it, two lost children who just wanted someone to comfort them. She thought of his voice as he'd whispered, lulling her off to sleep; of how safe and protected he'd made her feel. The wall she'd constructed to protect herself after he left was being torn down.

Her mind returned to the present. Here on D'Qar, no longer a lost little girl, Rey's body was crawling as the connection fought to take over once more. It was different, now: gone was the gentle flip-flop of her stomach, replaced with something deep and intense, a buzzing inside of her. There was a darkness seeping in around the edges. Her body was flushed and hot and aching as the tingling spread across her flesh, blooming against secret places where he'd never resided before. She swallowed hard and tried to shove him away.

_I feel it too_ , she heard him whisper _. Alone at night. Desperate to sleep. Desperate._ She swore she could feel his breath against her ear. Panicked, she flicked on the lamp, but the room was empty; no shadows lurked in the corners.

She fell back against the pillows and exhaled hard, wiping the sweat from her brow with a shaking hand.

_Come with me to the island, Rey_

He was a monster now. She couldn't want him here. _You left me, you hurt the people I love, you're a killer_ , she tried to whisper back, but the words were stuck in her throat.

She turned the lamp back off and closed her eyes. She was throbbing, the need to allow him through her defences growing urgent. Her hand trailed down her body for a second, just grazing her hot folds before she caught herself and pulled it away. She couldn't.

Turning over in the bed as if she could turn away from him, she tried to picture a cool blue ocean, but all she could see were his eyes.

\---

It was a relief to be leaving the base.

As she and Chewie prepared the Millennium Falcon for take-off, Rey told herself that she was also leaving all the madness behind: the hauntings, the visions, they could all stay here on D'Qar whilst she went off on her mission to find Luke. Working through the pre-flight checklist, she felt somewhat normal for the first time since before all this had started. The Falcon smelled of oil and durasteel; it was comforting.

After the jump to lightspeed, she went to the galley to fetch provisions for her and Chewie. The ship was well stocked; she hadn't adjusted to a life where food was so easy to come by, and had to resist the urge to take all she could carry. Eventually settling on some ration packs, she turned to head back to the cockpit.

As she passed one of the bunks, she felt a jolt. The food slipped out of her fingers as she gripped the edge of the doorframe; her body was tingling, and she swallowed hard, grunting as she tried to resist. The sense of him, here, in this bunk, was _overwhelming_. Her knees went weak. The whispers were rising to a roar. She squeezed her eyes closed and took some deep breaths, trying to draw on the Force, like she had in the snow, when she'd fought him off.

The tingling feeling eased; she let out a shaking breath as she fell back into reality. She bent down and picked up the rations from the floor.

As she straightened up, for a fraction of a second she saw him out of the corner of her eye, standing by the bunk, tall and imposing and dressed in black, eyes wide and burning into her. He was gone before she could respond.

\---

As they approached Ahch-To, Rey settled back into the cockpit, and couldn't suppress a gasp at the sight before her.

The place where Luke was hiding was an island, green and lush, in the middle of a vast blue ocean.

She started trembling. Chewbacca didn't seem to notice, as he guided the ship down to the landing pad, mercifully taking control - her hands were shaking so hard that she would surely crash them into the ocean if he allowed her to take charge. As they drew closer, she saw with a great rush of relief that it wasn't the same island. This place was darker, bleaker, windswept.

But as she stepped off the Falcon and started to climb up the winding path, she felt her skin crawl again - only this time it was even stronger than on D'Qar, as if something here in this place was amplifying the connection between them, picking it up like an aerial and broadcasting it on every wavelength into every fibre of her being. She turned to look behind her, convinced he was there; she saw nothing but the sea, tossing angrily against jagged rocks as the wind whipped the spray up into the air.

He was searching for her; she felt his desperation as he tried to reach into her mind. He'd been trying for hours. For days. For _ever._

_Where are you where are you where are you_

The last bricks of the wall in her mind disintegrated into dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm early this week! I'm really getting into this now :) I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you so much to everyone who's left kudos or a comment or bookmarked the story - your support means the world to me! I've already started chapter 6 so that may be up before the end of the weekend.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey had been dreaming of frightening things: of faceless men in hoods, wielding glowing staffs and fighting each other; of Benjy calling out for help; of being pulled downwards into a dark hole in the ground.
> 
> The lamp was still on beside the bed, flickering as the fuel ran low. He hadn’t appeared last night, she realised as she sat up and wiped sweat from her forehead; she must have fallen asleep waiting for him. There was a strange, dark feeling in her stomach which had been gathering since yesterday afternoon. Rey told herself it was just hunger.

Rey woke up sweating, despite the frigid morning air.

She had been dreaming of frightening things: of faceless men in hoods, wielding glowing staffs and fighting each other; of Benjy calling out for help; of being pulled downwards into a dark hole in the ground.

The lamp was still on beside the bed, flickering as the fuel ran low. He hadn’t appeared last night, she realised as she sat up and wiped sweat from her forehead; she must have fallen asleep waiting for him. There was a strange, dark feeling in her stomach which had been gathering since yesterday afternoon. Rey told herself it was just hunger.

\--

She came home late, after sundown, exhausted from a fruitless day and with nothing to eat. As she refilled and lit the lamp she saw a shadowy figure, and jumped in surprise before realising it was him sat on the floor with his hood up, and not the monster from her nightmare.

Despite the wave of relief that crashed through her, Rey lashed out.

"Where were you last night?!" She demanded.

He recoiled, then shrugged, looking down at his hands. "I was... busy."

She was incensed. He was _busy_. She felt an anger rising, hot and dark and uncontrollable; her blood was boiling with it.

"I waited for you! I kept the lamp on all night and you didn’t come for me!" She was shouting; her voice echoed and reverberated around in the tiny tin can of her home, ringing in her ears.

"I WAS BUSY!" he roared back, then with a _pop_ he disappeared.

She fell back in shock; she'd never witnessed him vanishing before. Normally it happened when her eyes were closed.

They’d never fought before, either.

She stayed awake all night, listening to the wind beating the sand against the outside of her At-At like waves battering the shore in a storm.

\--

He came back two days later, as she was scratching a mark into the wall. The strange dark ache had eased earlier that afternoon, and she felt the familiar rush, the warmth in her belly that announced his arrival. She turned to see him leaning back against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest. Their eyes met, and she held her breath, waiting. He blinked.

"I'm so sorry, Rey," he whispered. "Forgive me?"

How could she not?

He didn't speak as much, after that. His visits became much less predictable, as did his moods, although he didn’t shout at her again. Some nights he appeared so late that she'd already dozed off. The sensation of his arrival would pull her out of fitful sleep with a jolt. She didn't like being woken up, but it was preferable to the nights when he didn’t show, when she’d go to bed feeling something dark crawling in her stomach, and suffer through terrible nightmares.

After an extended period of absence, Rey thought she was starting to go mad. The dark coiling feeling deep in her belly was getting worse; she was increasingly angry for no reason. She called Plutt a nerf-herder when he rejected a low quality bit of scrap she’d spent two hours retrieving, earning herself a slap around the face. Another scavenger had to drag her away from the tent before she could hit him with her staff. She walked home, empty-handed again, and curled up in bed, fighting back tears until she slipped into a dark, uneasy sleep.

He showed up in the dead of night. She was having a nightmare about being stalked through a spaceship by a scarred, ugly old man in flowing robes, when suddenly the connection switched on and she woke up with a shriek, her stomach dropping violently. She was shaking with fear, still; she blinked hard as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she saw him, crouched beyond the foot of the bed, his eyes wide like he'd also just woken up. She turned on her lamp; it was low on fuel, and flickered on and off, and slowly back on to a dim glow.

"Are you ok?" she whispered. The anger she’d been carrying for days seemed to have lifted.

He shook his head. She thought she saw tears staining his cheeks. Despite the cold, she clambered out of the bed and slid down onto the hard floor to crouch beside him on the floor. She reached out to him and shyly took his hand.

The sir around them seemed to crackle, and then with a strange _pop_ , she was suddenly transported to another place. It was bright, and warm; she shielded her eyes and let out a gasp. The cold durasteel beneath her knees was gone - replaced with the softest, most comfortable surface she'd ever encountered in her life.

A ship, she thought, looking around at the narrow corridor. They were sat together on a small bunk.

"Where are we?" She asked, her voice coming out higher than usual. His brow furrowed.

"You can see my surroundings? That's new," he said. "We're on my dad's ship. He came to pick me up for Wookiee Life Day."

Rey didn't even know it was Life Day. There wasn't much to celebrate on Jakku right now; a food shortage had taken hold and she was lucky to get a quarter portion every other day, even if she wasn’t threatening Plutt. Her ribs were starting to stick out, she'd noticed, and she struggled to drag the bigger bits of scrap across the sand without getting lightheaded. The idea of an extravagant party seemed laughable.

"Are you excited about seeing your mum?" she asked, still gazing around at the room in fascination. She could see the walls, but only a few metres of the hallway; beyond that it was fuzzy, like a hologram that was out of focus. She couldn't hear the ship's engines; in fact, she could still hear the wind howling around her At-At. It was like she was only half here.

He shook his head hard, biting his lip. "No. She lost her job, and she and dad have been fighting a lot. And I'm still mad at her." He paused for a second; she wondered if he would ever tell her what had happened. "It'll be nice to see my other uncle, though. Kashyyyk is a cool planet."

Rey felt a stab of jealousy. His dad had come back for him, and he had _another_ uncle? All this family, whilst she was alone in the desert. She bit her tongue, resisting the urge to make a snide comment.

"I hope you have a nice time," she muttered instead, studying the blanket she was sat on. It was beautiful: a clean white colour, unstained, with a tactile weave that was soft, instead of scratchy. She lifted a corner and rubbed it against her face, marvelling in its luxury. It smelled wonderful, like flowers and soap, spices and sweetness.

A smile pulled at the corner of Benjy's face. "Do you want to keep it? I think you can probably take it with you, when you..." He gestured with his hand, looking momentarily lost for words, "you know. Go." She remembered the first time he'd cried on the floor of her At-At, and how the thin, scratchy blanket was gone the following morning along with him. Another time recently, he'd left a book behind; she couldn't read it, the language being something other than Basic, but she'd looked at the drawings many times and still couldn't believe he'd left such a precious object behind and never asked for it back. Her eyes grew wide now at the thought of having this blanket with her at night - how warm she'd be, sleeping under it.

"Really?" She whispered, her voice catching.

He smiled fully now, and all the tension and anger he'd been carrying for weeks seemed to fall away. Her stomach turned over; it was like he'd suddenly come back to her. "Sure. Dad'll never even notice it's gone. Why don't you lie down here, and go to sleep? It's late." He scooted back, giving her space to curl up into a ball. It was so comfortable, she could barely believe it. She giggled delightedly, burrowing deeper into the bed. He draped the blanket over her carefully, then clicked off the light nearby.

"Sleep well, little Rey, on a beautiful island, " he started to whisper.

She fell asleep almost instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooo much to everyone who's left me kudos or a comment so far! You guys keep me motivated when I'm really struggling to get my words right :) I hope you enjoyed this one; it went through several rewrites before I felt ready to post it. It's hard to put these precious babies through such hard times but I promise it will be worth it!
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you see between it all?" Luke prompted.
> 
> "Balance," she breathed, amazed, wondering how she'd never seen it before.
> 
> Ben was everything. Their bond was the Force, and the Force was inside her, inside him; the Force was them.

Rey tried to get comfortable on the stone slab, but it was damp, and the cold was seeping into her bones. She chided herself for having adjusted so quickly to the soft mattress at the resistance base on D'Qar; she'd spent her entire life in the desert, sleeping on a "bed" that was really nothing more than a glorified mat and a couple of blankets on the floor of an At-At. She could handle this.

A sharp edge dug into her spine, and she sighed, repositioning herself.

She was vaguely glad to have the distraction. If she was in physical discomfort, maybe she wouldn't be as focused on the buzzing and crackling of the air around her, the swarming whispers and visions. It was endless, now, a hundred times worse than before. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw _him_ ; it was taking every ounce of strength to keep him at bay.

_Where are you where are you_

_I can take whatever I want_

_Thank you for being my friend_

She tried to focus on how he'd kidnapped her on Takodana and used their connection as a weapon. It was twisted. _He's a monster_ , she told herself _. He's Kylo Ren now_. She pushed back, but it was getting more difficult and made her feel sick. Resisting felt profoundly wrong: the sensation of denying him access was physically painful, like holding her breath.

When she heard footsteps approaching, her eyes flew open and she started to reach for her staff, not expecting Master Luke at such a late hour. She felt the voices retreating as he approached, like birds scattering from a predator. The sudden absence of the connection was a shock, and she sat upright as a chill dripped down her spine.

Luke didn't seem to sense any of this. He didn't meet her eyes and his expression was still unreadable as he quietly spoke.

"Tomorrow morning. Three lessons. I _will_ teach you the ways of the Force," he said.

And with that, he was gone again, leaving behind a cold, lingering presence, an absence of warmth and light that seemed to be preventing the voices from returning.

The sense of loss was unnerving, but Rey was exhausted. She laid down and let the silence settle around her as she drifted off to sleep.

\---

She awoke in the dead of night to a sharp bolt of pain in her chest that made her sit upright on the slab.

Leia's face came into her mind, clear as a hologram. Panic seized her; she _knew_ something terrible was happening. For the briefest second she swore she was in a cockpit. She smelled leather and spices and sweetness. She saw stars and space.

There was a fear creeping in, and grief, and the sudden, inexplicable desire to run towards her mother. She wanted to protect her, wrap her arms around her and beg forgiveness.

The feeling was all-consuming: it was guilt and shame and sorrow, washing over her in bigger and bigger waves until she felt like she would drown. Tears were streaming down her face, and she gasped for breath, and then Rey realised this wasn't her pain.

_I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it._

_I know there's still light in my son._

Rey slumped forwards, breathing heavily, as the images and whispers finally lifted. She felt his mind nudging against hers for a moment, gingerly, almost as if seeking comfort, before retreating of its own accord for once.

Trembling with some unnameable emotion, unsure if it was hers or his, she lay back down.

\---

When she awoke the next morning to the sound of the wind rustling in the trees, for a second she couldn't remember where she was.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she sat up. It was early morning; she smelled something damp in the air, something green and fresh. Her back ached. She'd had strange dreams that she was crying as her ship drifted through space.

Her skin was crawling. The whispers gathered once more and suddenly there was that deeply familiar _whooshing_ feeling through her entire body again - only this time it was overwhelming and irresistible and she realised that she had lost her control; he was coming, and she couldn't stop herself from letting him in. Her head started ringing like a bell; her hands ached and her stomach turned over. She looked up, and sitting at the foot of her bed like he had as a child, she saw him.

Benjy. Kylo Ren. Ben Solo.

Her whole body went hot. She'd known this moment was approaching, she'd known it for days, but now here he was and she was completely unprepared for the feeling that rushed through her: she was _angry_. He couldn't be here like this. This didn't happen anymore. He left her. He turned to the dark. He killed Han. He didn't get to come back to her. Before she knew what she was doing, the blaster was in her hand and she was firing it -

And with a _pop_ he was gone again, like he'd never been there.

Rey felt dizzy. She dropped the blaster and bent over, trying to control her breathing. Sweat was trickling down her face and she couldn't stop shaking. Her stomach was still doing somersaults. She'd shot at him. She'd kriffing well tried to kill him.

Suddenly feeling trapped in the small, dark hut, Rey scrambled out of bed. She ran outside and followed the path down to the edge of the cliffs. The grass was wet and she nearly slipped when she stopped moving, her desert feet unaccustomed to this surface. Her breathing gradually slowed to normal as she looked out to sea, watching the waves crash at the cliffs and erode the soft rock to expose the layers below. It was bleak and beautiful. A cold wind was blowing, and it whipped around her, making the trees shake and rattle. She moved closer to the edge, off the grass and onto soft dirt which shifted beneath her feet like dark sand. It was early, and the sun was still low in the sky; a vague warmth barely touched her face. The ocean was endless in all directions. She squinted, looking out at the horizon. She had to stop denying what was happening.

This newly forged version of the link between them was sharper, stronger, more visceral than before. Before, it came and went on a predictable schedule, but now it was a near-constant itch under her skin. She couldn't resist it; she didn't _want_ to resist it. Holding the connection closed was unbearable; letting him in had been a few seconds of blissful relief. The crawling feeling was killing her. She couldn't stand it. She let out a shuddering breath, closed her eyes, and let go.

The whooshing rushed in, her stomach flipped, and heat bloomed across her skin. She drew a deep, cold breath of salty air before reluctantly turning to look at him - to properly look at _him_ , this time. To look at Ben.

He was no longer that gangly kid she'd known; he was a man, tall and imposing, strong and dark. She bit her lip as her eyes travelled over him; she saw him shift, as if uncomfortable under her gaze. A bacta bandage ran down his face where she'd cut him with the lightsaber. Her fingers twitched with the sudden, irresistible urge to touch his cheek, to trace the mark as it met his neck. She wanted to feel his pulse under her fingertips. His hair was rough and tousled, a little shorter now than when he was younger. He was handsome, beautiful even.

"You will bring Luke Skywalker to me," he said, raising a hand. For a second he was Kylo Ren again; Rey felt the anger climbing back up inside her.

"You're gonna pay for what you did," she tried to shout, but it came out as a whisper.

And then he dropped his hand and looked around himself, just like he had all those years ago when they first met, and all she could see was Ben. She could barely breathe.

"Can you see my surroundings?" he asked.

The years were falling away.

_You can see my surroundings? That's new._

_Where are we?_

_How did you get in here?_

"I can't see yours… Just you."

_Where are you where are you where are you_

Her stomach flip-flopped.

He stepped closer. She smelled his cologne. The bond was gathering around them, thick and warm and humming as if with contentment. She felt drunk on it. She was overcome by the desire to step into his body, to feel him pressed against her, to taste his lips. His mind nudged against hers; she couldn't stop herself from letting him in just the tiniest bit, showing him her thoughts.

His pretty eyes grew darker; she saw him swallow hard. He was close enough now. It would be easy. She could reach up and kiss his mouth, put her hands in his hair, pull him tight against her. Instead, she waited. His breath was hot on her ear as he leaned over. "All I ever see is you," he murmured. A desperate thrill shot through her body.

"What's that about?"

Luke's voice cut through the moment like a knife, and with a _pop_ Rey was alone, staring at the ocean, her whole body vibrating like a tuning fork.

\---

As she sat on a rock and tried, and tried, and tried to feel the Force, all she felt was him. His presence was pressed right up against her, smothering her. He was whispering into her ear; he was a finger running down the bumps of her spine; he was a hot kiss against her lips. She tried to focus on the task at hand. Luke was scolding her, telling her to try harder.

_Don't be afraid. I feel it too._

She sighed, and let him in a little. And then she saw it.

The island. This island, cold and lonely and imposing. And their island, too; warm, and safe, and inviting.

She saw peace, and violence, and everything that ever was.

She felt Ben's hand in hers, warm and comforting, as he lead her towards the light. She was kissing him; he was sweet and gentle.

"What do you see between it all?" Luke prompted.

"Balance," she breathed, amazed, wondering how she'd never seen it before.

Ben was everything. Their bond was the Force, and the Force was inside her, inside him; the Force was them.

And darkness was enveloping them, too; the kiss was urgent, his fingernails were digging into the flesh of her back, and they were tumbling down together into something deep and irresistible and forbidden -

_REY!_

Luke was bellowing her name, and she was being ejected from the darkness on a wave, choking on the salty water as she fell down against the rock.

She fought to catch her breath. Her heart thundered in her chest. Ben's presence retreated as Luke backed away from her, horror rising in his eyes.

"That place was trying to show me something," she gasped, her fingertips scrabbling at the cool stone as her thoughts spun within her.

"It offered you something you needed," Luke said. "You didn't even try to stop yourself!"

For a second Rey felt panic run through her - did he know? Could he sense that she'd surrendered, momentarily, to the bond? Surely he could feel it now as it crackled and pulsed through the Force, surrounding her like a blanket?

She looked him over but saw nothing but fear in his eyes; no flicker of compassion. Fresh shock rose in her as she realised that something was wrong. The cold pocket he'd left behind last night... the way the voices disappeared when he was near... his inability to see Ben up on the cliff earlier...

"I didn't see you… nothing from you. You've closed yourself off from the Force," she whispered, barely believing the words even as they left her mouth.

How could he show her the ways of the Force when he couldn't even bring himself to step into it?

How could she trust him?

_I can teach you_ , Ben was whispering on the breeze as it shook the trees. _Where are you?_

Luke - _the Jedi Master,_ she thought, with a spike of disdain - was wide-eyed and glaring at Rey. His nostrils flared. He's frightened, she realised. He's giving in to his fear.

"I've seen this raw strength only once before… in Ben Solo. It didn't scare me enough then. It does now."

Her stomach churned with surprise at hearing Ben's name uttered out loud.

Luke walked away.

_Everyone walks away from me._

She was left alone, again, with something new awake within her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter! This one took me rather longer than I thought it would. Thank you so much to everyone who's left me kudos and comments - y'all are feeding my muse <3 Next one will definitely be up within a week.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time since her parents had left, Rey allowed herself to yearn for something other than their return.

Rey woke up slowly, to the smell of flowers and sweetness.

Something soft was tickling her face. She opened her eyes and saw the roof of her At-At.

Her stomach dropped a little at the realisation that she was indeed on Jakku, and not on board Benjy's dad's ship, flying across the stars to celebrate Life Day. She wondered if he'd made it to Kashyyyk yet, and how long he'd be staying there. As a very little girl, Rey's dad had told her stories about the jungle planet that was home to the Wookiees. She was going to ask Benjy to tell her everything about it when she next saw him.

With a sigh, she snuggled down under the big, soft blanket that had made it back to Jakku with her, daydreaming about travelling the galaxy with Benjy and learning to fly his dad's ship; maybe she could be a mechanic, using the skills she'd learned from years of collecting scrap. She let her mind drift and wander, pretending she wasn't hungry, that she didn't have to get up and go out into the desert to scavenge.

For the first time since her parents had left, Rey allowed herself to yearn for something other than their return.

\--

When Benjy didn't appear that evening, she assumed that he was caught up in the celebrations and hadn't had any time to himself. A second day came and went, and she busied herself with building up her food supplies; the shortage was easing off as winter fully took hold and fewer scavengers were around. She allowed herself to eat a whole portion in one sitting; it made her feel guilty, not to mention sick, but she couldn't deny how good it felt to go to bed with a full belly. The stomach ache from eating too much was a small price to pay for the absence of the terrible empty stomach pains she'd been enduring for weeks.

The following morning, Rey woke up early, feeling energised and driven. She headed out into the spaceship graveyard as the sun was still rising over the dunes. She worked, and worked _, and worked_. When she finally returned home late that evening she was flushed with pride, carrying more portions than she'd ever had in her life. As she moved around the At-At, hiding a few here, a few there, she tentatively thought ahead, calculating how many more days like this it would take to have a month's worth of food. She imagined spending an entire day away from the graveyard; she could finally finish repairing the broken flight simulator she'd had for months. She was so preoccupied that she barely noticed his absence.

But as three days turned into five, which turned into ten, the excitement dulled. She fiddled with the flight sim, fixing bits here and there each evening when she could tell he wasn't coming, but as she imagined herself with Benjy, flying through the stars, she felt a pang of sadness.

After eleven nights, she pulled out the book he'd left behind. It was wedged between the bed and the wall, hidden from sight in case anyone broke in. She normally treated it with great care, placing it gently on the floor and hunching over to read, and touching it as little as possible to minimise the chance of damaging such a precious item. But this time, Rey hauled the book under the blanket and curled herself around it. She took a deep breath: it smelled old and dusty. She ran her fingers over the pages, where somebody - Benjy, she was sure - had written in the margins in what she vaguely recognised as High Galactic. The handwriting was beautiful and elegant; she was awed, having never learned the art herself. She could read a few words here and there - _Jedi_ , she traced with a finger, admiring the delicate loops of each letter - but she didn't know the language very well, and the rest of the book's text was in a language she didn't recognise. The drawings, however, made up most of the content, and they were captivating: star maps, and strange pyramid devices, and incomprehensible diagrams. She wondered if he was in trouble for leaving the book here; it surely came from his school.

Where was he? Was he back at the school now? He couldn't still be on his trip. Something dark was starting to coil in her stomach again; she pushed it down and concentrated again on the book, studying every page from cover to cover until she reached the end, then gently closing it and starting again as her eyelids grew heavier.

She awoke the following morning from dreams about a planet covered in lava, and with a painful line down her face from the edge of the book which took all day to wear off.

\---

He finally arrived on day nineteen, and something was wrong.

Rey was on her haunches, scratching a mark onto the wall, when her skin prickled and her belly flipped and she knew he had arrived. But before she even turned to look at him, she felt something dark and thick in the air. The relief she'd felt at his return died instantly, replaced by dread. She _hated_ it, when it was like this, when his pain radiated out into her. She never knew what to do or say, or how to help him. Her mind flashed back to that first time, when he'd shouted and disappeared without warning; dismay flooded through her.

When she met his eyes, they were narrowed; he was gritting his teeth. His hands were trembling and he was clenching and unclenching his fists. It reminded her of the boys who'd stolen her datapad, and how they'd threatened to hurt her, late at night, giving her no choice but to sit still and let them take her things. She'd learned to fight, after that.

A brief spike of fear surged through her at the memory, and she backed away.

He saw it. His eyes were red-rimmed; he'd been crying. His hair was even more wild than usual. Her stomach hurt, and she hugged her knees to her chest, trying to push it away. Benjy was staring at her.

"Are you scared of me, Rey?" His voice was so low that she barely heard it; it was more of a whisper inside her own mind.

Swallowing hard, Rey shook her head, but it was a half-truth; she was scared. She was scared _for_ him. She could feel sorrow pouring off of him in waves, and something dark sweeping around him like a cold breeze.

He moved closer. She grabbed the corner of his blanket and pulled it close to her body, inhaling the fading scent of flowers. He was beside the bed now, and up close she saw that he was still trembling. His lip was quivering, and there was a bruise on his cheek. She frowned, wondering how he'd got it. He reached forwards and for the briefest second she thought he was going to wrap his arms around her, but instead he took a handful of the blanket in his hand.

"You know, my mom asked me about this," he said, the vaguest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I guess she keeps track of bed linen after all." He studied the cloth, as if seeing it for the first time.

For a second Rey was thrown by the casual change of tone. She nearly took the bait, wanting desperately to pretend everything was ok, that a conversation about laundry was perfectly reasonable. But everything wasn't ok. He was hurt and sad and trying to distract her. It was obviously something a little more serious than getting in trouble for a missing blanket.

"Benjy," she whispered, timidly reaching for his hand, "please, please tell me what's wrong."

She braced herself, but this time, touching him didn't take her elsewhere. She remained on Jakku, in her humble home, whilst he was light-years away. His hand was warm, his fingertips rough and calloused, and she squeezed, trying to impart some sort of comfort. Their eyes met for a beat. Her stomach flip-flopped as she studied his face, watching as he bit his lower lip and something passed across his features. He frowned, drew a breath as if to speak, then stopped himself. She felt a wave of sadness rush through her like a retreating tide; she saw their island in her mind for a second.

"I can't," he said finally, his voice wavering. "It isn't safe to tell you."

The image dissipated, and suddenly Rey felt sick. She sensed something else gathering around him now, something cold and dark that she'd never felt before. It was just outside of her vision; she could _almost_ see it out of the corner of her eye. The flip-flopping in her belly was gone, replaced with a violent churning, and the tingling on her skin had turned to sharp pinpricks. Something was on the verge of her mind, something that reached in and twisted like a million little pole-snakes trying to grab at her thoughts. A shudder slithered through her; she let out a gasp.

Benjy's eyes grew wide with alarm.

"Rey… do you feel it too?"

She nodded, too scared to speak. She gripped his hand tighter, suddenly wanting to hide under the blanket. Her breath was catching in her chest; her eyes darted to the lamp, checking the fuel level, then the stick, wedged against the door. She felt behind her for the staff, even though she knew somehow that whatever this was couldn't be defeated in physical combat.

Benjy was pale now. He pulled his hand out of hers; panic shot through her and she grabbed for it, but he was too far away. " _Please_ , Benjy," she whimpered, reaching for him again. He started to speak, but his voice was fading, and she couldn't hear him over her own as she begged again for his hand. Then, with a _pop_ , he was gone.

The tendrils in her head immediately retreated. She was shaking, her entire body covered in sweat, but the dark feeling had lifted. A heavy exhaustion set in, and she lay down, seeing beaches and the glittering blue ocean as she drifted off to sleep.

\---

The following night, Rey dreamt of a towering inferno engulfing the island, and woke up screaming. She grabbed for her staff in the darkness and pointed it at the door, convinced someone was in the room with her; the lamp was still burning, and she whipped her head left and right, searching for an unseen intruder.

Nobody was there, although she could not shake the image of someone standing over her, preparing to strike her down.

For the very briefest of seconds her stomach started to flip, but then to her horror the connection cut itself off. The sensation was awful, like a sneeze that suddenly disappears as you start to breathe in. For the briefest of seconds she saw Benjy's face in her mind's eye, and she knew he was scared: a wave of pure terror rushed into her from him. A moment later she realised she was going to be sick; nausea rose hot and fast in her throat, and she only just made it out of the door and onto her knees in the moonlight before emptying her stomach into the sand with a wail. She winced as the bile burned her throat; she was feverish and quivering. The air was cool and soothing against her hot skin, but as a few long minutes passed, her heartrate slowed and she became more aware of how exposed she was out here in the dead of night without a weapon. It wasn't safe. She wiped her mouth and crawled back inside, repositioning the stick against the door before curling up on the cool durasteel floor, in the spot where Benjy sometimes slept.

A desperate sorrow was building within her now, but it was strange and foreign, as if it didn't truly belong to her. She realised, suddenly, what he had said as he disappeared the previous night.

"I have to go now, sweetheart."

\---

  
This time, Rey wouldn't let herself start a fresh set of marks on the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. This chapter was horrible to write and I hate myself for putting them through it. I AM SO SORRY. I hope the next few will make up for it!
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bond between them was keening now, unsettled; Rey's damp skin was on fire. She wanted to give in to the connection, wrap herself in Ben's warmth. And she wanted to push the bond closed, pretend it didn't exist, be able to just hate Kylo Ren. She felt dizzy. The rain was hammering on the Falcon, creating an urgent rhythm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the canon divergence truly begin! Things are going to go increasingly freestyle from here onwards, guys. Just flagging this again, coz I know it isn't everyone's bag.

Rey stood on the cliff top and looked up at the stars.

A cool breeze rolled in from the ocean, and she breathed in the salty air, letting the vapour settle around her. She tugged a blanket tightly around her shoulders and closed her eyes, listening to the waves tossing restlessly against the rocks below.

She thought of Ben; of the increasingly irresistible connection between them, of how right and good it felt to relax her defences and let him in. Her whole body tingled with the Force running through it.

She thought of Luke, so cold and distant, his absence from the Force like a black hole that sucked the air from her lungs and left her feeling bereft.

Stars twinkled in the night sky. The wind whistled around the trees. The sea tossed and groaned below.

Conflict was pulling on her soul, like two moons vying for control of the tide.

She needed to trust Luke. He was their last chance to end the war.

She wanted to trust Ben.

He whispered across the galaxy, as if reading her thoughts.

_Where are you where are you where are you_

She thought of Leia.

_I know there's still light in my son._

She relented. Her skin crawled and heat rushed through her veins as he appeared before her. It was a relief, as the connection solidified and she stopped resisting. She studied his face; his eyes were tired, his hair was dishevelled. He met her gaze.

The Force hummed around them both. She took a step towards him.

_Balance_ , Rey thought, recalling her lesson with Luke. The dark place, the cave she and Ben had been falling towards, was calling her.

"I can teach you," he whispered.

One more step. She could smell his cologne. He started to reach for her.

"How can I trust you?" she asked, the words tumbling out of their own accord.

He stopped dead. Long seconds passed; the air around them was crackling. She could see his chest expanding as he breathed. His arms dropped to his sides.

"Ask me anything."

The question came pouring out of her; she hadn't realised how long she'd been holding it in. "Why did you leave me?"

His face shifted. Deep shame flooded across the bond, hot and prickly. Rey felt her own cheeks flush with it.

"I didn't leave you," he murmured. He tried to draw closer to her, but she forced herself to take a step backwards even as her fingers itched to reach out and touch him. The trees behind her were rustling in the breeze. The tang of salt was biting at her tongue.

"You did." She felt the grief uncoil inside her, and she threw it at him; he bent over when it hit him, letting out a cry of shock. His hair fell across his face. Rey hated how beautiful he was.

"Why, Ben? Why did you do that to me?" Her voice was rising, and she felt anger, thick and dangerous, coursing through her. Ben's eyes narrowed: they became dark and cold, and he showed her an image of his own: a burning temple. He sent her deep, primal fear, complete and all-consuming.

Rey panicked and, shrieking, she pushed down on the connection, causing him to vanish with a sickening _pop_.

The wind picked up around her, pushing her towards the cliff edge.

\---

Early morning sun streamed into the ruins of the temple, bouncing off the tiled floor. Rey sat on the cold, unforgiving surface, breathing in the dusty air, trying to concentrate on the task at hand.

Luke was opposite her. "Lesson two," he said, quietly.

The Force was silent around them; she felt as if she was in the depths of space. No voices, no images in her mind, no nudging from Ben.

It was terribly, horribly lonely. Rey couldn't believe Luke was living like this. How could anyone know the beauty of the Force, only to step out of it? What could drive anyone to such measures?

Luke cleared his throat.

"Now that they're extinct, the Jedi are romanticized, deified. But if you strip away the myth and look at their deeds, the legacy of the Jedi is failure - hypocrisy and hubris and failure."

His voice was even, controlled. Rey didn't understand; how was this a lesson she needed to learn? "That's not true," she protested, squirming, but Luke carried on, speaking more quickly now.

"At the height of their powers, they allowed Darth Sidious to rise, create the Empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi Master who was responsible for the training and creation of Darth Vader -"

Rey cut him off, her voice rising. "But it was a Jedi who saved him too! Yes, Vader was the most hated man in the galaxy. But _you_ saw that there was conflict inside him. _You_ believed that he wasn't gone, that he could be turned!" She was shaking. She thought of Benjy, of Kylo. She reached out for him involuntarily for a moment, craving the connection, almost forgetting where she was, until Luke's voice saying his name pulled her back to reality.

"Yes, and for many years after Vader, there _was_ balance in the Force... and then I saw Ben. My nephew with that mighty Skywalker blood. And in my hubris, I thought I could train him, pass on my strengths."

Rey felt her stomach twist.

"By the time I realised I was no match for the darkness rising in him, it was too late."

Rey leaned forwards, wanting desperately to understand. How had her Benjy turned into a monster?

"What. Happened? " she whispered, through gritted teeth.

Luke rose to his feet, looking away from her and out to sea.

"I went to confront him, and he turned on me."

The Force rushed in around Rey, and she realised Luke was opening himself up to it, just enough to show Rey the images he didn't have words for. They rushed into her vision -

_Ben, sleeping_

_Luke, looking down on him with fondness, fearing the darkness that crept in around the edges_

_Ben, waking with a jolt, calling for his lightsaber and attacking Luke, unprovoked_

_Ben, burning the temple, murdering his classmates, running off into the night_

It all came flying into her mind at once, an assault of horror, of pain, of violence, and a deep, chilling stab of cold, the darkness Luke had felt the night it happened.

  
Rey recognised that feeling. It was the same darkness she'd sensed the last time Benjy had come to her. Bile was rising in her throat.

"Leia blamed Snoke, but it was me. I failed."

A sob caught in Rey's chest as the sorrow crashed over her in waves. She looked at Luke, feeling the exact moment he closed himself off again, taking all the light with him and leaving her alone, in a vacuum.

_I don't want this to be my destiny._

Her voice was small and wavering. "You didn't fail Ben. Ben failed you."

She scrambled to her feet and ran away, putting distance between herself and Luke, as the cave below the island called to her, as Ben's presence crowded into her mind and begged her to let him in.

\---

Rey marvelled at the rain.

It drummed and sploshed on every surface, creating a curtain of sound that smothered all other noises. The air was damp and fresh and she could smell the trees, the grass, the flowers. She stood under the Falcon for an age, watching it fall around her, before plucking up the courage to step into the torrent. When it hit her she gasped at the cold; fat drops sluiced down her neck, hit her cheeks, made her staff slippery in her hand as she set it down. The fabric of her clothing clung to her, wet and clammy. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back, letting it envelop her, drowning out everything else. It was just Rey, and the rain.

His whispers were softer, this way, dampened by the storm. He was a soft murmur against her ear.

She breathed in, deep and slow, her lungs burning as she held the cold air in her chest for as long as she could. _Rey_ , he whispered.

She breathed out, and he was before her, unaffected by the downpour which seemed to fall right through him. Her stomach flipped. The air was heavy. She thought of the burning temple.

He was gazing at her, she realised. She felt his eyes sliding up her rain-soaked body, leaving a hot, urgent flush in their wake. The Force sighed around them. She squeezed her eyes closed. Raindrops dripped down her jaw.

"Have you ever wondered why the Force is connecting us?" he asked.

She reached for Luke's sadness and rage, resisting the temptation to close the distance between them, to sink into that gaze, to feel his breath on her face.

"Why did you turn to the dark?" she whispered.

He started. She felt a stab of pain in her chest. His pain. _Please, Rey_.

"That night when I destroyed Luke's temple -"

"You mean when you attacked Luke? When you murdered your friends? _When you left me_?" she demanded.

He shook his head. "Did he tell you what happened? Did he tell you _why_?"

Rey hesitated. The bond between them was keening now, unsettled; her damp skin was on fire. She wanted to give in to the connection, wrap herself in Ben's warmth. And she wanted to push the bond closed, pretend it didn't exist, be able to just hate Kylo Ren. She felt dizzy. The rain was hammering on the Falcon, creating an urgent rhythm.

"I know everything I need to know about you, _Kylo_." His taken name felt wrong on her tongue; it turned her stomach, just saying it. She immediately wanted to take it back when she saw how it made him shift, draw himself up taller, narrow his eyes as he slipped into her mind and riffled through her thoughts. When he finally spoke, she hated how his voice rippled over her, warm and comforting and familiar.

"You think I'm a monster."

His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy; she saw suddenly, with surprise, just how tired he was. He looked drained, spent, desperate.

She thought of a shadow in the corner of her At-At. She thought of a sad boy, hunched over and sobbing. She thought of a spitting, angry man, lunging at Han Solo.

She forced herself to see the burning temple, to feel Luke's fear. She saw him flinch as she pushed the images into his mind. She bit her tongue, gathering up every scrap of anger.

"You _are_ a monster, Kylo."

For the briefest of seconds she saw Benjy staring back at her. Her blood ran cold as he leaned forwards and bit his lip and with a quivering voice whispered, "yes, I am."

Time stood still as they looked into each other's eyes. The bond was crackling. She imagined drawing close, leaning up into him, soothing away his pain. She imagined calling for Luke's lightsaber and running him through with it and ending all of this.

There was a _pop_ and he was gone again.

Tears ran down her face and mingled with the rain.

\---

Opening up the connection was becoming as natural as breathing; it eased the endless discomfort, the burning itch just out of reach.

That night, when she lay down to sleep, leaning over to click off the lamp, he materialised on the floor beside her. The light created a long shadow of him against the wall. The wind howled around outside the small hut. For the longest moment, Rey could have sworn they were back on Jakku.

He was meditating; his eyes were closed. He barely moved but she felt a flicker over the bond as he acknowledged her presence. He was wearing a black shirt and pants, but no robes, for once. The shirt clung to his chest. The bond hummed and vibrated through her body. She wanted to climb into his lap and inhale his warmth and drag him back to the light.

_Ask me anything._

She thought about the late, sad nights all those years ago; how quickly things had unravelled. She'd never imagined his quiet rage would lead here.

"Why were you so angry with your mother?"

His eyes flew open.

"Leia loves you so much, Ben. I don't understand. Why were you so angry?"

He turned to face her, still cross-legged.

"She had 20 years to tell me where I came from, and instead she waited until someone in the Senate forced her hand. The truth about who I am was nothing more than a point of business for her."

He was Benjy again, small and quivering before her. Sorrow radiated across the bond. She bit her lip.

He popped out of sight.

\---

The call of the dark cave under the island was getting louder.

Rey paced along the clifftop, chewing at her fingernail, trying to decide what to do.

The bond was fizzing and crackling and she gritted her teeth. The moon was bright, and it illuminated the edge of the path as she walked. She had all but resolved to go back to the hut for the night when the moon slipped behind a cloud, and in the dark she stumbled and lost her footing. Her concentration broke, and the connection slotted into place. She sighed, frustrated at being disturbed, but grateful for the rush of relief that flooded through her.

"I'd rather not do this now," she said, not looking at him.

"Yeah me too." For once he sounded amused. She turned, ready to snap.

The words died on her tongue when she saw him standing before her shirtless, so real that she was sure he was actually here, that she could reach out and touch him and feel him. A traitorous surge of heat grew within her.

"Do you, uh, have something - a cowl or something you can put on?" She tried not to sound desperate.

_Why would I do that_?

His voice was in her head, clear as day, deep and rumbling. She shivered.

Out loud, he ignored her.

She tried not to look. She really did. But her eyes were irresistibly drawn to his broad shoulders, to the scattering of hair trailing over his chest and disappearing downwards and out of sight, to the scars and pockmarks and battle wounds that peppered his skin. Her stomach twisted. She wanted to run her fingers over every single one, to kiss them and smooth them over and heal them away.

She drew a shuddering breath. Her body was burning. Her eyes landed on the scar from Chewie's bowcaster.

"Why did you hate your father? Han loved you - he gave a damn about you!"

"I didn't hate him," he muttered.

Then why? Why did you kill him? I don't understand." Tears sprang to her eyes as she recalled it all again; Han's kind face, Han taking Benjy to Kashyyyk for Life Day, Han falling to his death.

"Your parents threw you away like garbage, Rey, but you still think you need them. You can't stop. It's your greatest weakness. Looking for them everywhere - in Han Solo - in Luke. Did he tell you the truth yet? About the temple?"

She found her voice, then. "Yes. _Yes, he did_."

Squinting, he shook his head.

"No. He didn't."

Rey couldn't move. She tried to reach for Luke's anger, but Ben was in her head, pushing it aside, showing her that night again.

She saw Ben, sleeping, with Luke towering over him. This time it was different. Luke's face was twisted with fear - the way he'd looked at her, when she'd reached for the cave during his lesson. She saw Luke draw his lightsaber. She felt Ben's terror as he opened his eyes.

She gasped, shoving the images away. Her blood ran cold.

"Why?" The word barely made it past her lips.

"He had sensed my power, as he senses yours. And he feared it."

She shook her head. "But he loved you. Leia loved you. Han loved you."

He stepped closer. His fists clenched and unclenched by his sides. She looked at his shoulders, noticing how he was slightly hunched over, his whole body as tense as hers. He was shaking, trying to restrain himself.

"Your parents loved you, Rey, but they left you. Let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It's the only way."

She shook her head. "And what about you? Us? You're my past, too. Should I let that die?"

Shock danced across his face. She stared him down for several long seconds, watching his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard.

And then, just like that, he was gone. Rey looked around, alone in the dim moonlight, and heard the calling of the cave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor, broken, conflicted space babies really made me work for this chapter. Thanks to everyone who's read so far, left kudos or commented; I appreciate it SO MUCH! <3
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She started to reach out for his hand. Without ever breaking her gaze, he pulled off his gloves. Rey was acutely aware of her breathing, of him blinking, of the flickering lamplight across his face. Their hands gently touched.
> 
> All the air rushed out of her lungs. She braced herself, expecting to be transported to wherever in the galaxy he was, aboard some First Order ship perhaps, like the time she'd ended up on the Falcon, in his bunk.
> 
> But instead she was thrust into a vision.
> 
> Rey saw herself, on a throne. With Ben.
> 
> His hands were in her hair. The Force swirled around them both. The air was hot and dry, the light around them glowed orange, she saw sparks flying.

Rey scrambled over the damp grass, her whole body trembling as she tried to get away from the cave as fast as possible.

She heard Luke's voice in her head.

_It offered you something you needed_

All she'd seen in the mirror was emptiness. It was the dirtiest of tricks.

Remembering Luke's terrified face when he saw her lean towards the cave during the lesson, Rey knew there was only one person who she could confide in about all this.

Ben's presence was thick in the air around her as she ran across the cliff tops in the darkness, sensing her way there, somehow knowing every little rock to step over, every turn of the path, every slippery patch of grass to avoid. Her hair came loose as she went, flying out behind her and tangling in the wind. Her chest was tight and her heart was hurting and the whispers were a crashing, roaring tidal wave that fell on her as she flew into the hut and threw herself down onto the makeshift bed, waving her hand to turn on the lamp. A sob rose through her and she released it, relaxing her body, opening up the bond as wide as it would go. Her skin prickled, her stomach flipped and then there was relief: she could breathe. He was sat beside her.

"I can feel you hurting," he said, leaning towards her slowly. "What's wrong?"

Tears cascaded down her face as she told him what had happened: the cave, the mirror, the crushing disappointment.

He listened. He didn't scold her for being drawn to it; he didn't even seem surprised. He just listened.

Rey was ten years old again, a scared little girl telling a ghost about how alone she was, how much she wanted her parents. She looked at him, nudging his mind with the memory.

"I remember," he whispered, nodding.

Drawing a deep, shuddering breath, Rey pulled herself back to the present, where they sat together with this new, irresistible attraction crackling between them. Her thoughts were tangled around themselves, sparring for control: he's Kylo Ren; he's Ben; he left me; he's here for me. She felt his struggle, too; she saw that dark awful image she'd pulled from his head when he kidnapped her and realised, with a rush, that it was at the front of his mind because he used it to trick himself. He was lost, too, as lost as she was, still that frightened boy who'd sobbed on her shoulder and cried himself to sleep on the floor of her At-At.

Rey scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. "I thought I'd find answers here, on this island with Luke, but I was wrong. I've never felt so alone."

Ben met her eyes with his. "You're not alone," he murmured, his voice so low she wasn't sure if he'd said it out loud. He was nudging at her mind now, asking to see her thoughts.

"Neither are you," she whispered, letting him slide in, giving him everything: all her fear of him, all her hatred for what he'd done, all her desire to hold him, touch him, have him.

It was as if the entire galaxy had shrunk down to just this, just Rey and Ben and this irresistible warmth, this tingling sensation on her skin, this flip flopping in her stomach, this growing heat between them that was rising to an inferno.

She started to reach out for his hand. Without ever breaking her gaze, he pulled off his gloves. Rey was acutely aware of her breathing, of him blinking, of the flickering lamplight across his face. Their hands gently touched.

All the air rushed out of her lungs. She braced herself, expecting to be transported to wherever in the galaxy he was, aboard some First Order ship perhaps, like the time she'd ended up on the Falcon, in his bunk.

But instead she was thrust into a vision.

Rey saw herself, on a throne. With Ben.

His hands were in her hair. The Force swirled around them both. The air was hot and dry, the light around them glowed orange, she saw sparks flying.

Affection rushed in, almost overpowering in its intensity, as the vision became clearer and she saw herself and Ben moving together, making love. He was whispering tenderly into her ear. Rey watched, mesmerised: she could almost feel him pull her closer, the graze of his lips, his body pressing into hers.

_Balance_ , the Force was whispering. _You will create balance together_.

The bond gasped and hummed around them as the vision lifted and they were back on the island, clasping each other's hands, gazes locked. He was trembling. Fresh tears spilled down her face.

"Ben," she whispered, reaching out her free hand to cup his face. He leaned into her touch and sighed. A thrill ran through her. "Ben, do you see it? The throne -"

He nodded against her hand, a look of amazement passing over his features. "Yes, I see the throne," he muttered. He turned his face to kiss her palm; he tangled a hand in her hair, just like he had in the vision. His fingertips grazed the nape of her neck. The faint scent of leather clung to his hand, but it was fading rapidly.

"I missed you so much," she heard herself mumble as he moved closer towards her.

He smelled so familiar, dirt and sweat and spices. Her stomach flipped and turned and it was all so comforting, so right, like coming back to a home she'd forgotten. The bond was humming, singing, hot and buzzing around them; her skin was tingling. A flicker of desire rushed through her, sharp and urgent. His face was inches from hers; their noses bumped. His breath was on her lips.

"You look tired, my Rey," he muttered, running a finger down her cheek.

Her blood was pounding in her ears. She forgot to breathe. Everything fell away: it was just Ben, and her, and the Force.

He closed the gap and pressed his mouth to hers, chaste and brief. She was dizzy. His stomach was doing somersaults; she could feel the sensation as if it were in her own body.

She chased his lips with hers when he pulled away, kissing him a little harder this time. He tasted earthy, sweet. She let out a long breath, basking in the relief of giving in, letting herself want him. He gently pushed her back until she was lying on her side, her hip digging into the hard plane of the slab. Ben shifted and lay down beside her, so close that she felt his body heat radiating off of him like a sun. Their knees touched; his forehead pressed against hers. He curled an arm protectively over her waist. His eyes were wide. He was breathing fast, panting almost, matching the cadence of her racing heart.

Rey didn't know where she stopped and he began. All she knew was that her body was vibrating; she wanted to throw herself against him, tear off the layers of fabric separating them, be one with him. He must have caught the thought because he chuckled against her lips and kissed her, deeply and urgently, before pulling away once more. She whined a little, wanting more; he ran a fingertip along her hip.

"You feel so real," he said quietly, his mouth brushing hers. "How strong do you think this connection is?"

The thought of pushing the boundaries of the bond too far, and breaking it, made her chest tight; she needed him to stay with her.

Biting back her desire, Rey drew a shuddering breath. "I don't want to find out," she said quietly, toying with a curl of hair that fell across his forehead.

She heard his thoughts, suddenly, something she sensed he didn't mean for her to hear.

_Tell me where you are, sweetheart. Let me come and get you._

Rey could barely breathe for suppressing the urge to give in; to let him fly over in his shuttle, to hand Luke over to the First Order, all so she could be with this man, could fall into his bed and touch him and make him light and good and _hers_. She squeezed her eyes closed, pushing the thought down, unsure if he could see it. If he did, he didn't give any indication, but he did shift his body, getting the tiniest bit closer, his fingertips on her hip pressing just a little bit harder, nuzzling his cheek against hers. Her stomach flipped over. _Breathe_ , she told herself, _just breathe_.

"You need to sleep," he whispered into her hair, planting a kiss on her temple.

There was a little crease by his eye; Rey ran her finger over it lightly, trying to commit the feeling of his skin to memory. "So do you, Ben," she murmured.

She was so tired, and being enveloped in his warm, solid frame was like being cocooned by the Force itself. She forgot everything - Luke, the war, Jakku, her loneliness - and allowed her eyes to fall closed. Hypnotised by the slow, steady, comforting cadence of his breathing, she let herself slowly drift off. Over the bond, she felt him doing the same, and when they slipped into sleep, their minds met, and they saw themselves, on a beautiful island, hand in hand.

\---

When she awoke with a start in the dead of night, he was gone, and the bond was silent.

Grief hit her, unexpected and complete, and she curled into a ball for several long seconds, breathing heavily as it passed. She was back in her At-At, a lost lonely little girl who had been abandoned. When the dizziness lifted and she sat up, the sound of rainfall was roaring outside.

She tried to pinpoint what had roused her. There was a strange ripple in the Force; something unfamiliar was drawing closer. Alarm started to rise inside her but before she could grab her staff, Luke came bursting in, eyes wide, cheeks flushed, looking around the hut frantically.

"Luke, what are you -"

"Where is he?" Luke shouted, his eyes narrow, fury plain across his face. "Where did he go?"

Rey jumped off of the slab. "He's gone. He was never really here - how did you know?"

Luke scoffed. "Kylo Ren broadcasts a Force signature I can sense a mile off, Rey. What are you doing?!"

She shook her head, defiant. "I don't have to explain myself to you. What about you? Tell me the truth - did you really try to murder him?"

Luke stepped backwards in surprise. She took the opportunity to seize her quarterstaff and run towards him, forcing him backwards and outside. It was pouring rain and still dark - she couldn't have been sleeping all that long, she realised - and her bare feet skidded on the mud.

"Tell me the truth! Did you turn Ben into Kylo Ren?!" she shouted as strong, powerful anger flowed through her veins.

Luke put his hands up, then, as if in defeat. Rey backed off, lowering her weapon. She felt his eyes on her for several long seconds; felt his fear and distrust of her leaking into the Force, now he'd opened himself up to it. Then he opened up his mind, and Rey was once more seeing that fateful night unfold.

_Luke's temptation to strike Ben down_

_His moment of hesitation_

_Ben's shock_

_Ben's panic_

The look on his face in Luke's memory sent a chill down Rey's spine as she recalled that same look on his face the night he disappeared from Jakku for the last time. She thought of the night that had followed; the cold terror that had given way to desperate sorrow; the way the bond had cut itself off before he could appear. She saw herself, small and sobbing, vomiting into the sand; shivering, curled in a ball on the floor.

Luke ran a hand over his face. "The last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose master had failed him. But Rey, you can't open yourself up to the dark side for those pretty eyes. It's too late. You can't trust him."

Rey felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She swallowed it down, seeing things clearly at last.

"You failed him by making him think his choice was made. It wasn't - it still isn't. He's still conflicted. When Ben and I were together earlier, I saw a vision of his future. I can turn him. If I'm with him, he will return to the light."

Luke shook his head, not hearing her. "This isn't going to go the way you think!"

But Rey knew otherwise; she had never been more sure of anything in her life. She called the lightsaber to her hand, and held it out towards Luke. When he looked away, refusing to take it, she let her arm fall to her side.

"Leia was wrong. You're not our last hope; her son is."

Turning her back on him, soaked to the skin, Rey walked back to the hut to gather up her things.

_Be with me,_ Ben whispered across the stars.

She returned to the Falcon. Chewie didn't even question her when she told him they had to leave immediately; he just patted her gently on the shoulder, then began preparations for take-off.

_There’s still light in my son_ , Leia murmured from somewhere on the other side of the galaxy.

Rey watched Ahch-To disappear from view as the Millennium Falcon flew away from Luke, and the cave, and the temple. The cold, bleak island became smaller and smaller until she could no longer see it.

She closed her eyes, picturing a glittering ocean and vast sandy beaches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eyebrow waggle* Hope you enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> So much love to everyone who's left kudos and comments <3 Thank you for reading! You're all keeping me sane during these strange times.
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wanted him, wanted him in a primal, hungry way she'd only ever felt before when literally starving. Her whole body was vibrating with the Force, telling her in no uncertain terms that it urgently needed Ben Solo. He was so close to her, so solid and warm. She could fall into him and have him. It would be so easy.
> 
> "We can rule the galaxy together. With our bond, nobody could beat our power, Rey. You felt it, just now: I know you still do. I know you want more. We could have whatever we want. Please."

Rey shivered with cold as the escape pod flew towards the First Order ship. She gazed out at the endless vacuum of space, towards distant stars, and imagined the mechanism failing, launching her out into the emptiness, turning her instantly into a pillar of ice and dust.

But then she landed aboard the Supremacy, the lid lifted and she saw Ben through the glass - and a new, deep, penetrating kind of chill shot through her entire being.

He was looking down on her with barely-contained surprise, those pretty eyes narrowed, his lower lip captured between his teeth.

He sent her a single thought:

_You shouldn't be here._

And with that, the bond snapped tightly closed.

Nausea hit Rey in blinding waves; it had never been this bad before. She was vaguely aware of stormtroopers manhandling her out of the pod, putting her in cuffs and dragging her through the hangar, but she couldn't focus on her surroundings. Stars were appearing behind her eyes, her head was pounding, and she thought she might pass out. There were bright lights and the clang of boots on durasteel, but the source eluded her as she panted, gasping for breath, choking on the dry, recycled air. All she could think about was Ben, all she could feel was his absence. It was like her very soul was unravelling.

_Come back come back come back_

Time ceased to exist: the bond had been severed _forever_ , the pain was _infinite_ , she had searched the _entire galaxy_ in desperation to try and get him back -

Then, just as Rey thought she might die from it, the sensation eased: her soul whined with relief, the sick feeling lifted and her vision cleared. She could think again. Straightening herself up and looking around, wiping the sweat from her brow with the back of her band and letting out a shuddering breath, she saw she was in an elevator. With Ben. Alone.

Heat raced through her veins, delicious and swirling. She looked him over - those pretty eyes, the scar running down his cheek, all those layers of black fabric that she just wanted to pull off of him. His dark hair framed his face; she thought of running her fingers through it, pushing him back against the wall, sliding her mouth against his. She tried to send him the image, but he wouldn't let her in and he wouldn't meet her gaze: he was standing stock-still, hands clasped in front of him.

"Ben," she began, but then he silenced her by dropping another single thought in her mind. _Follow my lead_.

The elevator jolted. She stepped closer to him, not understanding what was going on. A few hours ago, he was begging to be with her; now he could barely look her in the eye. Her heart was pounding as she remembered his finger trailing along her hip. She looked at his lips. He was beautiful, so beautiful: she was sure she could almost see the light pouring off of him even as he fought to contain it.

"Ben," she whispered again, leaning closer. Finally, finally, he turned his head to meet her gaze; the warmth of the bond flooded around them for a few blissful seconds. Her soul sang. But as she looked into his eyes, her chest grew tight with anxiety. He was terribly, heartbreakingly sad. Rey thought of her vision _. He's going to turn,_ she told herself. She was aching to stand on her tiptoes, capture his lips with hers, breathe warmth and light and happiness into him.

Shuddering, the elevator came to a stop. It almost knocked Rey off her feet, and she put a hand on his chest to steady herself. He covered it with his own, pressing it closer so she could feel his heart hammering away, mirroring her own beat for beat. Her stomach flipped and span. Then he pushed her away and the bond snapped closed again. Rey gasped at the sudden loss, but before she could react, the door opened with a soft _whoosh._ Ben roughly took her elbow and guided her into the throne room.

\---

Afterwards; _afterwards_.

After they'd killed Snoke and the guards, after the bond had come rushing in like a huge tidal wave of power that carried her and Ben through the fight of their lives, after she saved him with a perfectly executed throw of the lightsaber - after it all, Rey found herself bent double, desperately trying to catch her breath. Pain radiated down her arm from an angry slash near her shoulder, and her muscles were tense and aching from the exertion. Sparks flew and fell all around her and the air glowed orange. Her eyes were drawn to the now-empty throne. The bond was thick in the air, a pulsing heat against her skin, an urgent tug on her soul. She felt dizzy from the thrill of being so completely in tune with Ben, moving with him, following a rhythm only they could feel as it coursed through their bond: it was like a drug, and she craved more of it, craved more of him.

Shaking her head, trying to clear it, she ran over to the screen which showed the battle raging outside. "The fleet," she said, almost to herself at first, then louder, finding her voice. "The fleet!"

When he didn't respond she looked around, and saw that he was staring at the throne. She could see his shoulders rise and fall as he tried to control his breathing. "Ben," she said: but he was miles away, his eyes almost glazed as he stood rooted to the spot and continued to stare. Rey pushed into his mind effortlessly: it felt like twining her fingers with his. He was having a vision, and Rey gasped when she saw herself through his eyes as they made love; she saw her face, flushed and pink as she panted and moved against him; she saw herself biting her lip, letting out a cry. She felt desire spark and coil through the bond, maybe her own, maybe his - it was becoming impossible to tell the difference.

With a monumental effort, Rey pulled herself out of the vision. Her whole body was trembling. She approached Ben, getting closer and closer until she could smell the leather of his belt; until she could see the stitching on the fabric of his tunic. The need to feel him grew more urgent. She swallowed and cleared her throat.

"Order them to stop firing. We can still save the fleet," she gestured towards the screen.

Ben turned to meet Rey's gaze, but he had a look in his eyes, suddenly, something new that she didn't recognise. He was still breathing hard. Rey stared at his mouth, wanting to kiss him, possessed with the desire to drag him over to that throne and make him hers. She sent the thought over the bond, but he didn't move.

Something was wrong. Something dark was gathering.

"Ben?" she whispered.

He finally spoke. "It's time to let old things die, Rey. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels.... let it all die. I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy."

Cold spiked through her and she thought her knees might give out. Instead she leaned closer until she was pressed against him, so she could feel the heat pouring off of him, trying to reassure herself that he was real and warm and good.

"Don't do this, Ben. Please don't go this way," she said, her voice high and thin. "Come with me. Save the fleet, and we can go back to the Resistance together. You can come home." She reached up and gently put a quivering hand on his cheek; he leaned into it for a second, closing his eyes. Rey held her breath.

Then he shook his head, and pulled away.

"No… _no_. I can't. You're still holding on! Let go!" His voice had taken on a strange quality now, deep and dangerous, commanding her like she was his subject. A shiver ripped through the bond.

"It's too late for both of us. You know the truth about your parents, just like I know the truth about mine, but you're still looking for them in the Resistance. Stop. You know the truth." He leaned down now, resting his gloved hand at the nape of her neck and getting close enough that she could smell the smudge of drying blood on his neck. "Say it. Tell me."

Rey swallowed as a painful lump swelled in her throat. She didn't want to, and she shook her head. He looked into her eyes, staring her down, but she couldn't say the words out loud. She projected them across the bond, instead.

_They were nobody._

A tear slid down her face.

Ben nodded and drew his face still closer. She looked at his lips as he spoke. "They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money, Rey. Let them go. I'll never do that to you. You come from nothing, but you're not nothing to me. Come with me."

Her gaze flickered over to the screen, with the fleet making their desperate escape. She looked back at Ben, with his desperate eyes trained on her like she was all that existed in the galaxy. He leaned right in and gently brushed his lips against hers, barely touching; it was a promise.

"Please," he said, when he pulled away, his hot breath ghosting another kiss on her mouth.

He sent her his vision; all of it, this time. The two of them on the throne, dressed in flowing black robes, in the throes of ecstasy: Ben biting her roughly on the neck, Rey tipping her head back and letting out a guttural moan as she wound her hands in his hair, his hands running over her body and down between her legs, his voice as he whispered in her ear for her to come for him.

Rey wanted him, wanted him in a primal, hungry way she'd only ever felt before when literally starving. Her whole body was vibrating with the Force, telling her in no uncertain terms that it urgently needed Ben Solo. He was so close to her, so solid and warm. She could fall into him and have him. It would be so easy.

"We can rule the galaxy together. With our bond, nobody could beat our power, Rey. You felt it, just now: I know you still do. I know you want more. We could have whatever we want. Please."

She squeezed her eyes closed as visions poured in. She saw herself and Ben hand in hand, standing together as Emperor and Empress of the Galaxy; living in a beautiful castle, making love for hours in a four poster bed, raising a brood of dark-haired children; commanding armies and fleets; passing laws and building cities. She squeezed her eyes tighter: she and Ben, ruling supreme and unchallenged due to their abilities, and eventually sinking into the power, misusing it, becoming blinded by it. She remembered that dark, terrible chill from years ago; she thought of it creeping back around Ben, pulling him away from her, its tendrils climbing up her arms and into her thoughts.

_Unlimited power_ , something frightening and uninvited whispered into Rey's mind.

With tears pouring down her face she reached out, past Ben, and called for the lightsaber.

\---

When the adrenaline of the battle of Crait wore off, it all came crashing down on Rey like a collapsing star.

He'd shoved and pushed against her mind the whole time, and she'd resisted him, channelling all of her pain and distress into running, fighting, _fighting_.

But as she stood at the top of the Falcon's gangplank, her legs went to jelly. Ben was calling her, begging her to let him in, and she was too exhausted to stop him.

She turned, and saw him at the bottom of the plank, crumpled on the floor, shaking as he cried. For a brief moment he was Benjy again, scared and hurting back on Jakku. The bond rushed in, but it was screaming with grief and tossing like a ship lost at sea; it was unbearable, nauseating. She gasped as he looked up to meet her gaze, and his pain radiated across to her, a hot wave of sorrow that hit her hard and almost made her stumble backwards.

She stared him down, daring him to walk up and join her. He looked away.

Rey punched the button and the door closed with a sharp hiss, and then she fell against the wall and let out a wail. The bond shuddered, refusing to be severed, and then he was standing in front of her, his face wet with tears, his hair wild, his hands trembling. The scent of gunpowder clung to him and it filled her nostrils, bitter and heavy. For a second they regarded each other, eyes locked, tension burning between them. A moment later he was the one to crack: surging forwards, he was on her, pushing her against the wall with his whole body, his mouth meeting hers with an urgent ferocity. She kissed him back, biting at his lower lip until she tasted blood. Desperation - his, hers, theirs - soared across the bond, making her breathless. The Force was howling around and through them and her skin was prickling all over, begging for more of his touch, for the feel of his flesh on hers. She scraped her fingers through his hair and over his scalp and he tilted his head back and into her hands; then he grabbed one of her thighs with a gloved hand and hitched her leg around him, opening her up and driving himself hard against her. He kissed her, whimpering into her mouth, and Rey felt herself swoon as she grasped at the small of his back, fisting a handful of fabric and pulling it loose as she tried to get him even closer. She couldn't breathe and couldn't think of anything other than having him, right here against this wall, taking him and letting herself be carried off by it, letting all the pain and fear fall away.

He drew his face back, abruptly, then leaned his cheek on hers, their tears mingling, the taste of salt sharp on her lips. He was breathing raggedly against her mouth. His hips were still flush with hers, his fingertips digging into the pit of her knee as he held her leg around him; she bucked against him involuntarily. "Kriff," she muttered at the feel of him, hard and unyielding against her through layers of fabric.

"Rey," he managed to whisper, before coming back in for a kiss that she thought she might drown in. He tasted of Corellian whiskey, smoky and sweet. "Rey, I need you. Please -"

"Come with me," she begged. "Please, please come with me. I don't want to leave without you." Her heart ached and her body throbbed with urgency and she rocked against him again.

"It's too late," he said, his voice cracking. "I can't."

He kissed her again, slower this time, gentler, entwining his gloved fingers with hers and holding her hand up against the wall as he pressed against her. She saw Han's dice hang from his fingertips, and felt the chain slip over her knuckles. He leaned over and landed a kiss on each one; then her neck; then her cheek.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he whispered into her ear.

There was a _pop_ , and he was gone.

Slowly turning the dice over in her hand, Rey slid down to sit on the floor, alone, as ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY THERE WAS NO THRONE SEX. Please don't send me hate mail. FWIW, Rey is just as disappointed as y'all XD It's just not the right time for our babies just yet, but we still have plenty of chapters coming up!
> 
> Thanks, as always, to all of you for reading, leaving kudos and leaving comments. Lockdown life is hard, and writing this is keeping me going: hearing from you all just makes it even more worthwhile <3
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben was exhausted. He hadn't slept properly for days. He needed to rest before he would be able to fly the ship and leave Elphrona, in search of the Knights of Ren.
> 
> He needed her. Surely just one visit, just one tiny little connection would go unnoticed? He just wanted to feel her light, bask in that blissful sense of rightness that washed over him when they were together, like everything in the Force was perfectly calm and balanced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit late this week - life got in the way somewhat. This chapter is a little bit different and contains spoilers for The Rise of Kylo Ren. If you haven't read the comics, the chapter should still make sense, but I do recommend them as they're really good!

Ben Solo shivered under the thin blanket.

Snoke's space station - whilst an astonishing feat of engineering - was perpetually a little too cold, and the tiny bedroom was unheated. He curled in on himself, wincing as a spring dug into his side. He turned over and the tiny bed creaked and groaned. He stared at the chrono which glowed dimly on the wall, marking each minute as it drifted by. And he sighed, the dry recycled air tickling the back of his throat. The fabric of the cheap blanket scratched against his neck, itching his skin; plucking it away, he rubbed at the hot irritated skin, then ran his hands over his face, and thought grimly back over the events that had led him here.

\--

He was dreaming of building a sandcastle on a vast empty beach. The brilliant sunlight danced on his skin, warm and pleasantly heavy. He slowly dug a deep moat around the castle with his hands, feeling the damp sand slide against his fingertips, scratch under his nails. There was a sudden breeze; one of the turrets toppled and fell, spilling messily across his work.

_It's ok, we can just build it again_ , Rey's sweet voice carried on the breeze.

But before he could respond, the wind suddenly turned colder. Her voice was gone, replaced by something deeper; a cruel whisper that he couldn't quite hear. The sun slid behind a cloud and the trees behind him rattled and shook. He turned to watch them, and then there was a great _whoosh_ and he was waking up, finding himself in his bed, at the academy, and he heard the unmistakable sound not of a breeze but of an igniting weapon.

His surroundings came into focus and the Force rushed in like a tide and all Ben could see was his uncle, lightsaber in hand, staring with wide eyes and flaring nostrils. Fear was pouring from his Force signature in great crashing waves.

Ben should have been scared, but instead hot spikes of anger ignited inside him from nowhere, almost as if it was someone else's rage climbing up his spine and screaming at him to fight back. He felt his hand reach out and call for his own lightsaber; it flew into his palm, heavy and cold, igniting as it landed.

He raised his blade and it clashed with Luke's, and then his stomach flipped, and the Force bond with Rey started to shake and shudder. Ben was horrified: would Luke see her? What if he mistook her for a threat, too: would he hurt her? He jumped to his feet and waved his hand to throw Luke backwards, but he somehow misjudged it and a burst of power send the bricks of the small hut flying. Ben's skin was tingling now and, shrieking, he forced himself to deny the connection from landing, instead cutting it off before she could materialise. A great wave of nausea ripped through his body and his every nerve ending burned as her light retreated and the whispers in his head rose to an angry roar.

Everything after that was sorrow, and pain, and ruin.

\--

Now, in the cold bedroom, huddled under a blanket not unlike the one she'd once given him, Ben was worried about Rey. What effect did it have on her, when the connection dropped off like that? Did she feel the same pain, the same physical, visceral sense of loss? Rey was so young, and didn't seem to have any grasp of how to work with the bond; she had never resisted the visitations, never managed to cut him off early, and had never responded when he tugged at it in his mind. His stomach twisted and lurched as he thought of her all alone, scared and confused and suffering that same sickening sensation as him. He felt out for her Force signature across the galaxy, but the bond was dormant, and he could barely sense her; she was but a vague warm glow, like distant starlight.

He closed his eyes, willing sleep to come. Exhaustion was setting in now the adrenaline had worn off, and Ben didn't want to lie awake, pondering whether he'd made a terrible mistake by coming here.

_A gentle breeze, a glittering ocean_

Reaching for the island as a way of finding peace was an unconscious reflex, but as he felt himself start to relax and fall into the vision, he suddenly was aware of another presence: something cold and dark was creeping around, studying his mind.

Ben had felt this before, this sensation of cold tendrils climbing around his thoughts like vines. It had happened many times, and he always managed to fight it off. But he remembered now that the night before Luke's betrayal Rey had been there when it happened and, to Ben's utter horror, she had sensed it too.

The thought of these voices climbing into Rey's mind had made his stomach churn violently, and the bond had started to quiver. She had gripping his hand tightly, trying to hold onto him as panic bloomed across her face. He had let go. He had to.

This time, here in Snoke's domain, the pull was stronger. It overpowered Ben's defences, and he couldn't resist it as the dark presence got further inside.

It was Snoke, he realised. The man had always been able to speak in his head, as far back as he could remember, but now he could see his every thought.

Ben lay very still, trying not to think of anything. He breathed slowly, quietly, concentrating on the springs in the bed, the humming of the air unit, the sound of a maintenance droid in the hallway outside; anything, _anything_ but this terrible sensation, like his very soul was being pulled open and examined.

Snoke was snooping, digging, pulling out this thought and that thought, discarding them without comment until he landed on something unguarded.

Ben winced as his affection for Tai was dragged to the surface.

_Foolish boy!_ Snoke scolded, his voice loud and cruel as he looked over every memory, every happy stolen moment. _You thought he cared for you? You remember how quickly he turned on you last night. Just like your family, he betrayed you. Use your anger! Make him pay!_

A terrible vision was cast into Ben's mind: Tai on his knees, begging for his life. He saw Snoke laughing, pushing him to strike his friend down. He saw Tai's lifeless body slumped at his feet; saw himself turn and walk away without looking back. His entire body went cold, then hot: he thought he might be sick.

The vision lifted, and Ben knew that it was imperative his new master didn't find out about Rey.

Squeezing his eyes closed and with shame burning in his chest, Ben resisted the growing, desperate urge to fall back into his safe space, the island where he could feel warm and protected. Breathing hard, he offered up another memory of himself and Tai, a quiet moment they'd shared by the lake one evening. Snoke took the bait gleefully, mocking Ben for his childish happiness. He didn't notice as Ben took everything he had of Rey and pushed all of it into the tiniest corner of his head, building a wall around it. The island, the visitations, the way she made him feel calm and balanced: all of it had to be hidden from view. As Snoke's assault on his thoughts continued, every fibre of his being was begging him to tug at the bond, to wrap himself in her light and soothe himself; instead, swallowing hard, he blocked it out.

The loss of feeling her Force signature, even faintly, was terrible, and all of a sudden Ben wished for his mother. Maybe she would forgive him. Maybe she and dad could come and get him, take him home -

Snoke saw the thought and slapped it away, sending a sharp cold jolt through Ben's mind.

_Your family fear you. They don't respect your power. You don't need them anymore._

A single tear ran down Ben's cheek. He roughly brushed it away, praying his master wouldn't sense it, then bit his lip until he broke the skin and tasted blood. The stinging pain distracted him from the ache in his heart: he sucked on the wound, worrying at it with his teeth until it throbbed.

_Yes, my boy. Use your pain. Let it empower you._

Ben curled into a ball under the blanket, and clenched his fists until his nails dug into the palms of his hands. Long minutes passed and Snoke eventually crept out of his mind, leaving behind just the ghost of his presence, the whispering voice that never really went away.

When he did finally drift off to sleep, he saw oceans and rivers made of fire.

\---

"KRIFF!" Ben punched the wall inside the cockpit of the Grimtaash. Pain bloomed across his knuckles, and he inhaled deeply, letting it soak into his veins like a poison. Sadness was trying to leak out of his heart as he thought of his friend Hennix; with a shriek, he hit the wall again, so hard that he felt a _crunch_ and knew he'd broken a bone in his hand. Bile rose in his throat; he let out a cry and smacked the wall with his palm, letting the pain radiate up his wrist and block out the sorrow.

There was a sudden whirring sound. "POSSIBLE DANGER ON BOARD!" wailed Geegee from the hallway, having been triggered into his state-of-emergency mode by Ben's raised voice. He started to trundle over to assess the situation. Anger rippled through Ben and he waved his hand at the droid, throwing it against the console. It landed with a crash, let out a shriek and an error code and powered down: and then there was silence.

Looking around, at the broken droid, the damaged wall, the blood dripping from his throbbing hand, Ben felt himself breaking. He slumped down onto his knees, his forehead leaning against the wall. It was cold, and he pressed into it, trying to soothe his pounding headache.

He was exhausted. He hadn't slept properly for days. He needed to rest before he would be able to fly the ship and leave Elphrona, in search of the Knights of Ren.

He needed - her. Surely just one visit, just one tiny little connection would go unnoticed? He just wanted to feel her light, bask in that blissful sense of rightness that washed over him when they were together, like everything in the Force was perfectly calm and balanced.

He was so tired.

Drawing a deep breath, he reached back into the depths of his own mind, tugging at the bond for the first time in days, sinking into that safe place.

_The waves lapping at the shore, the breeze shaking the trees, the bright sunshine on your face_

The connection started to quiver gently. Her Force signature became brighter, the gentle warmth reaching towards his heart, loosening the painful grip he had around it.

But then an icy chill crept over him: cold fingers were slowly wrapping themselves around his mind, inching closer and closer towards her. Snoke was listening; it wasn't safe. His stomach lurching, Ben swallowed it all back down and held his breath until the connection went silent and the warmth retreated; he tightened his broken hand into a fist, sending a hot shard of pain up his arm.

_Good, good!_ Snoke said in the back of his mind as he turned over the memory of Hennix's death in the temple. _Your anger has made you stronger!_

Ben focused on the way his hand throbbed and burned.

\---

On the minemoon of Mimban, following the Knights on their mission to find a priceless artefact, Ben found himself watching his friend die at his feet.

Looking down on Tai, feeling the light slip away as his body went still, Ben bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood. He remembered his vision of this, the vision where Tai died at his hand. But this time, Snoke was watching, whispering to him, mocking his inability to do the deed himself.

_Foolish child! You continue to seek out the light in those who already turned on you! Making Ren do your dirty work for you whilst you continue to allow sentiments cloud your judgement. Use your pain, boy!_

Ren was drawing near now, reproach also on his tongue, his red lightsaber casting an eerie glow over the walls of the tunnel. As they fought, Ben suddenly remembered his Jedi training: he squeezed his eyes closed, drew a deep, slow breath, and let the Force swirl and crash around him like a whirlpool, bringing everything around him to a standstill.

_The island the island the island_

_Benjy, please, please tell me what's wrong_

The connection with Rey was vibrating urgently in the back of his mind, demanding to be set free from its hiding place. Ben was powerless to resist the warmth; he wanted to be wrapped in it, carried off and away from all of this. He let his whole body go still, and she was there, before him, her face turned away as she spoke with someone he couldn't visualise, her hair glowing golden from an unseen source of sunlight.

As soon as he saw her, and felt their bond slotting into place in full view, he knew this would be the last time. Snoke - or someone else, someone darker - was already sliding into his mind; she had to go. Ben broke the connection quickly, snapping back to reality, to his desperate duel with the leader of the Knights of Ren, advancing on his opponent and letting rage uncoil within the pit of his stomach.

He saw Tai's dead body in his mind. He saw Luke, wielding his lightsaber. He saw Voe and Hennix, the distrust in their eyes. He felt the pain of cutting Rey off tear through his veins. Dark tendrils reached in and wrapped around his heart, blocking out his sorrow. He let them.

_Be the man I know you are_ , Tai had implored.

_Now you will be who you were always meant to be_ , a deep, terrifying voice shouted inside his mind.

_People keep telling me they know me_ , Ben thought, looking down at the blue lightsaber he held in his hand, then up at the masked man he was fighting. I'm _afraid no-one does_.

Then he roared, flew through the air and plunged his lightsaber deep into Ren's chest.

The Force screamed. At the back of his mind, the bond started to tremble with grief until the thread snapped, and the last of Rey's light winked out like a dying star, leaving behind nothing but darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god so much angst. I am so sorry.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, and leaving comments! You're all amazing. Thank you for coming with me on this insane journey. <3
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You haven't answered my question, Rey. Do you think Ben still has light in him?"
> 
> Rey closed her eyes. Ben, crying on the floor. Ben, pressing her against the wall. Ben's cheek against hers, his tears wet on her face. The dark tendrils wrapping around his heart. The way it felt to move with him through that battle. The way it felt to walk away from him.
> 
> "I don't know," she said slowly. "There was something dark inside him. Not inside him… following him. I felt it in the Force. It tried to reach for me, too. I saw it in his future - in our future."
> 
> "It was Snoke," said Leia, her face sad as she stared into her mug.
> 
> Shaking her head, Rey tried to explain. "No, it wasn't Snoke. I mean, I thought that too, before, but then… then Ben killed Snoke, Leia - but the darkness came back."
> 
> Leia went very still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG life has been something recently. My writing time has been somewhat diminished by some stuff I've got going on. Everything's fine though! Hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Rey jumped when the hot water scalded her hand.

"Kriff," she muttered, almost dropping the kettle.

The galley in the Falcon was tiny, with shelves too high for her to reach; it was perfectly designed for Chewie, but a real pain for someone as short as she. She drew a deep breath and finished making the tea. Her eyes were drooping.

Biting her lip, she carried the tea to the cockpit and handed it to a surprised Leia, whose eyes grew wide.

"Rey, why are you still up? You've barely rested since we left Crait."

_Because I can't bring myself to lie down in that bunk._

_Because I'm scared that the moment I relax, Ben will reappear, and I won't be able to stop myself from falling apart._

_Because I can feel his pain even with the bond mostly closed, and it's agony._

"I'm fine. I don't need a lot of sleep, really," Rey said, avoiding Leia's gaze and instead looking out of the window at the stars. She bit her lip again and resisted the tug she felt from across the galaxy.

Leia's brow furrowed. She blew on the tea, a futile attempt to cool it down. "There's getting very little sleep, and then there's being awake for three days, and the latter is far too extreme for my liking."

Giving up on the tea for now, Leia patted the vacant pilot seat. Chewie _was_ sleeping, Rey knew; she'd heard his cacophonous snores as she'd made her way from the maintenance crawlspace to the galley. It felt wrong to take his seat, but she did it anyway, enjoying the way the dashboard seemed to open up before her from this angle, how she could reach every important switch and button and handle. A smile crept across her face in spite of herself.

"You know, when Ben was little, he loved this ship."

Rey blinked hard, the smile dying on her lips. She was hit with the sudden image of Benjy, little Benjy, littler than she'd ever known him: a small boy, sat on his uncle Chewie's lap in the co-pilot seat, squealing with joy as Han showed him how to fly the Millennium Falcon. She saw him giggling happily as Chewie pulled down the gold dice for him to play with; saw Han bouncing him, a tiny tot, on one knee as he effortlessly flew the ship through an asteroid field. A painful jolt went through Rey's heart as the visions swept through her mind from nowhere; her hand flew up to her chest and she gasped.

Leia was studying Rey carefully, her face giving nothing away; her braided hair was mussed and coming loose from three nights of sleeping in chairs or slumped over tables, and her clothes were creased and untidy, but she still managed to appear regal, somehow. Rey's stomach flipped as she realised Ben had his mother's eyes.

"When we were at the base on D'Qar, I asked you a question," the General said, reaching over to gently tuck a strand of Rey's hair behind her ear. "You told me then that you didn't know if Ben still had light within him. What do you think now?"

Rey hesitated - a little too long. Leia spotted it. She leaned forwards.

"You've seen him, haven't you?"

Rey's eyes grew wide. "What do you mean?"

Leia chuckled, then, and took a sip from her tea.

"Did Luke not tell you he trained me? Yes, I was going to become a Jedi. I can sense and use the Force, Rey," she said, smiling now. "Not nearly as well as you, but well enough to get by. And I can sense Ben's presence around you."

Unease crept over Rey, dark and smothering. She carefully guarded her thoughts, trying to control her breathing lest she give something away. The General's gaze was piercing. _Maybe she already knows about the bond_ , Rey thought.

"You went to see him on the Supremacy, didn't you?"

Letting out the breath she'd been holding, Rey nodded. She swallowed, trying to force down the lump that was forming in her throat. "Yes," she said, hating how her voice came out so small, so high, like a little girl being scolded.

Leia took her hand. Her skin was rough, but her palms were warm. She patted the back of Rey's hand. "You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with. I know you did what you felt was right."

Tears slipped from Rey's eyes as she let herself think back over what had happened on that ship. She remembered Ben's desperate eyes as he begged her to join him; the feel of his lips brushing hers; that terrible, creeping darkness as it pulled him away from her.

"He wanted me to join him, but I couldn't," Rey whispered, feeling guilt rise up her face.

Leia nodded gravely, and took another sip of her tea. She swallowed it, then breathed in and out, slowly, a few times. Rey had never noticed it before, but she recognised it now as a Jedi meditation exercise. She focused on the General, detecting those little glimmers in her Force signature that gave her away as Force sensitive.

"You haven't answered my question, Rey. Do you think Ben still has light in him?"

Rey closed her eyes. Ben, crying on the floor. Ben, pressing her against the wall. Ben's cheek against hers, his tears wet on her face. The dark tendrils wrapping around his heart. The way it felt to move with him through that battle. The way it felt to walk away from him.

"I don't know," she said slowly. "There was something dark inside him. Not inside him… following him. I felt it in the Force. It tried to reach for me, too. I saw it in his future - in _our_ future."

"It was Snoke," said Leia, her face sad as she stared into her mug.

Shaking her head, Rey tried to explain. "No, it wasn't Snoke. I mean, I thought that too, before, but then… then Ben killed Snoke, Leia - but the darkness came back."

Leia went very still.

"Are you telling me you felt this presence after Snoke was killed?" Her brow was furrowed; she set the mug down on the console. Rey nodded tightly, not wanting to remember it.

"Then something else is at play here. Something darker than Snoke. Something more insidious and powerful than we imagined."

They sat in silence for a while, Leia sipping her tea, Rey picking at a loose thread on her tunic and wondering what it all meant. The General's Force signature was soothing, and Rey felt herself relaxing ever so slightly. She wondered if Ben could feel it too, wherever in the stars he was.

Slipping into her daydream, Rey jumped when Leia spoke again.

"Tell me - after you killed Snoke. Did you feel the dark presence immediately?"

Rey paused, trying to untangle the memories in her head.

_Moving through the throne room together, keeping a perfect rhythm_

_Desire sparking inside her_

_The visions of their future together_

She shook her head as it began to cloud with thoughts of him. The bond was starting to hum, a quiet nudge of urgency; she fought it off and cleared her throat, focusing on her surroundings.

"No - no, not immediately. There were a couple of minutes before it happened. When we were… fighting his guards. And then a minute or two afterwards."

"Did you speak to Ben then?" Leia said.

Rey's stomach dropped as she realised what she was being asked.

"Did you sense the light in him _then_ , Rey?"

Rey's face flushed as the urgent tug grew, as she thought about how much she'd wanted him then, how she'd been so tempted to grab him by his tunic, pull him over to that throne and climb into his lap, desperate to bask in his warmth and breathe love and happiness into him. She nodded quickly, unable to meet Leia's gaze, feeling embarrassed, sure that Leia was able to see the decidedly un-Jedi thoughts in her head.

To her surprise, Leia patted her arm. "Thank you, Rey," she whispered gently, then got up and left. Drawing a deep, shuddering breath, Rey squeezed her thighs together and gazed out of the window at the stars, feeling the gentle tug slowly ease with every passing minute.

When she finally rose to get back to work, she reached up and carefully hung Han's gold dice back up where they belonged, watching as they glimmered and caught the light.

\---

Eventually, at Chewie's stern insistence, Rey agreed to rest.

As it turned out, she didn't have a choice: Rose started confiscating her tools one by one, and Finn blocked her path when she tried to go anywhere near the inner guts of the Falcon. She was so close to sorting out the condensation problem caused by the trip to Ahch-To; just another few hours and it'd be sorted. But Chewie had growled and threatened to pull her limbs off, and when she dropped the wrench for the third time in ten minutes, watching helplessly as this time it clattered down into a gap she had no chance of reaching, she was forced to admit defeat.

As soon as she started walking down the hallway, she knew it was a mistake. Without the work to focus on, and with exhaustion fully setting in, her grip on the bond was loosening. It was a warm hum deep in her belly; it slowly uncoiled as she made her way into the tiny 'fresher, and crawled up her spine as she brushed her teeth and undid the knots holding her hair back. She sighed with relief as the tension on her scalp was released, and raised a hand to her hair to loosen it. She thought of Ben's hand, running through her hair just like this when they were together on Ahch-To.

A sharp stinging pain on her arm grabbed her attention, and Rey examined the burn mark which throbbed there. She'd neglected to treat it, being so caught up as she was in repairing the ship. She turned, now, to look at it in the mirror; it was hot and red, two deep slashes, almost like hands reaching for each other. She opened the cabinet and found some old bacta ointment but when she applied it something seemed wrong; instead of the warm, soothing sensation she expected, the thick substance was cold to the touch, making her wound smart. She turned the heavy bottle in her hand, studying the label, and realised the medicine was way out of date and had probably lost its potency.

Sighing, Rey put the bottle back into the cabinet. She picked up Leia's hairbrush and started running it through her hair, watching herself, looking into her own eyes, trying to find anything in them that would hint to others about the storm that raged in her mind.

It happened, then: she lost her last grip, and the bond came crashing in and over her like a tidal wave, making her skin tingle and her fingers ache. Rey let it wash over her, feeling the blissful relief as she let go of her defences and his presence bloomed over every inch of her soul. She opened her eyes - she didn't even realise she'd closed them as she'd let herself feel everything - and there he was behind her, as real as ever, reflected in the mirror.

He was sat on the floor in the doorway, knees drawn up to his chest. His hair was in disarray; it looked like he hadn't changed his clothes since she'd last seen him. Rey held her breath as she looked him over, noticing that his hands were shaking. His gloves were off, for once, and she could see the veins in his hands even from here; _he has such slender fingers_ , she thought, remembering the quills in Leia's office as he swiped a hand across his face before finally looking up and meeting her gaze in the transparisteel.

Reflected as it was, his face looked strange; recognisable, but different, like she was seeing his twin. The sadness in his eyes was unmistakable, though, broadcasting all the pain she had felt twisting in her chest for days, burning painfully just out of her reach. All of the fight seemed to have drained out of him, she noticed, as her eyes drifted over his body and locked back on his gaze. He wasn't even staring her down; there was a forlorn, resigned look in his eyes that made her heart ache. The transmissions across the galaxy said that he had taken the title of Supreme Leader, now that Snoke was gone; after everything that happened on Crait, he surely should be full of bluster now, reveling in the power he'd wanted when they had that conversation in the throne room, storming on ahead with his plan to build his own empire. Her stomach lurched as she remembered the vision she'd had, the two of them ruling over everything together. She'd imagined he would go on to do it anyway; he didn't need her by his side. He was powerful enough, with that mask on, to do whatever he wanted.

But as she continued to stare at his reflection, as he made no move to speak, or ask her for anything, she saw that Kylo Ren, the angry, violent leader of the First Order was nowhere to be seen; this was the sad, broken man who she had run away from.

This was still Ben.

The bond trembled. She felt it from her toes to the top of her head. His sorrow was tumbling around them; she thought she could drown in it. Words failed her; what was there to say that hadn't already been said?

She did the only thing she could think of to do: she pushed an image into his mind.

_You're ok. You're on an island._

He sighed deeply, tears gathering in his eyes and threatening to spill down his face. Rey's stomach twisted with grief and she rushed forwards, overcome with the desire to comfort him.

But then, the bond broke: and she passed right through where he'd been sitting, crashing headlong into the bunk that lined the wall of the corridor. As she bent double and tried to catch her breath, tried to fight off the discomfort of the connection snapping shut, she inhaled the fragrance of lavender and spices from the blankets that were stacked there. it transported her back to the last time she'd been in this bunk, with one of these blankets draped over her, safe and content and surrounded by Ben's voice, Ben's scent. If she closed her eyes and breathed it in deeply enough, she could almost imagine he was still here.

Her heart hammering, Rey climbed into the bunk and curled herself into a tight ball, letting the Force envelop her, letting his sorrow howl across the bond, and allowed herself to fall apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much love to all of you who are reading this. You're amazing and I appreciate you more than you know. <3
> 
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> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quietly, gently, she felt it: the faintest of tugs somewhere inside her soul, a slight pull from the other side of the galaxy. She held her breath, not wanting to scare it away, not knowing what to do next, worried that the slightest movement could break it. Her skin slowly turned to goosebumps and, sitting perfectly still, she waited.

The sun was beating down relentlessly as Rey waited for her turn to deal with Plutt.

She tugged at the scarf wrapped around her neck, adjusting it to cover her shoulder where it had come loose. She let out a long, slow breath, and closed her eyes, concentrating only on the heat, the feeling of being bathed in the sun's warmth. The taste of sand and hot metal lingered in the air and settled on her tongue; she pulled out her canteen and greedily swallowed down the last of her water.

"Haven't seen you around in a while, girl," a scratchy voice said nearby. Rey jumped, almost dropping her bottle as she turned around.

The old woman, Maw, had been coming to the Niima outpost for as long as Rey could remember. She had leathery skin and wiry hair, and always wore otherworldy-looking robes in shades of grey and brown; when Rey was little she'd half fancied the woman was a witch. As time had dragged by, and Maw continued to turn up day after day to scavenge for portions, Rey had started to worry that she was looking at her own future.

"I've not been feeling well," Rey said with a shrug, fussing with her scarf again, not expecting the question, not wanting to think about the reason she'd stayed in her At-At for as long as she had. She wouldn't think about it. There was no point; no good could come of it.

"Love sickness, is it?" Maw said, cocking an eyebrow. Thrown for a loop, Rey froze, her fingers stilling against the fabric; it made the woman chuckle. She was wearing a wildly colourful collection of beaded bracelets, and they jangled on her wrist as she reached over to gently tuck the loose end of Rey's scarf into her tunic. Her fingers were rough and calloused, and the hard skin scraped against Rey's clavicle.

"I'd know that look anywhere, missy," she said, a wicked smile passing across her features. "You're a bit young for that sort of thing, aren't you?"

Frowning, Rey shook her head. "I'm fourteen standard years old. And I'm not love sick."

The woman nodded slowly, looking her over. "No. Not love. Not yet. But I can see something's going on. The Force is gathered around you like a blanket, lovie, like it knows you need to be comforted."

Rey picked up her scrap and took a few steps forward as the queue advanced towards Plutt's tent. She cupped a hand over her eyes and squinted at Maw, intrigued now. "You know the Force?"

"That I do, lovie, that I do." A far-off look passed briefly over her face like a shadow; she frowned as it went.

Rey hesitated for a few seconds, unsure, nervous, before the words tumbled out of her mouth.

"Can it… connect people together? Make them see each other from far away? And feel each other's feelings?"

The old woman said nothing to that. She just looked steadily at Rey for several long seconds until Plutt called, "Next!" and pulled her out of the spell. Reluctantly turning away, Rey moved up to get her portions, but her mind was racing with possibilities and she barely noticed when Plutt paid her a truly low price for her spoils. Snatching up the meagre offerings, she span around, suddenly frantic to ask the woman a hundred questions.

But Maw, somehow, was gone. Rey looked around the outpost in confusion, trying to catch a glimpse of the familiar figure moving about or sitting in one of the tents, but it was fruitless - like she was never there. Shaking her head, Rey started to make her way home.

\---

She tried, that night, to make him come back.

As she sat on the sand dune and watched the sun setting over the horizon, chewing her half portion slowly, she remembered how it felt whenever Benjy appeared during the good times, before it had become dark and frightening. She focused on every sensation: her stomach flipping, her hair standing ever so slightly on end, the way her skin would start to tingle. She saw his face in her mind; she thought of his wild hair and his kind eyes and his deep voice. She went over it all again and again like a mantra, trying to encourage that delicious _whooshing_ sensation.

It didn't work. Something was missing.

Rey knew about the Force, but she hadn't considered it until now, and she didn't understand what it was, really. She suddenly remembered the book Benjy had left behind: excited, she went inside and pulled it from its hiding place behind the bed, then brought it back outside. She sat crosslegged, soaking up the last dregs of the sun's warmth, and hunched over as she scoured the pages for anything useful, anything that might give her some clue about how the Force worked. It was no use: she'd been over the pages a thousand times before, and knew every image and brushstroke, every word he'd scribbled in the margins. She lingered on the page covered in geometric drawings of pyramids and star maps; her fingers traced a four letter word she couldn't quite make out.

_The Force is gathered around you like a blanket,_ the old woman had said. Rey snapped shut the book on her lap, let her eyes fall closed and took a deep, slow breath, trying, trying _, trying_ to feel it. She thought of Benjy's blanket, the one she'd brought back from his dad's ship. She focused on the way it had smelled - like lavender and spices, rich and comforting. She thought of its heaviness, how safe she had felt when he draped it over her that night as she curled into a ball on the bunk.

The fading warmth of the sun slid over Rey's face, and she thought of the island. She saw herself on the beach, the sand white and glittering as she looked out to the horizon and listened to the trees quivering, insects buzzing, and the soothing sound of the approaching tide lapping delicately at the shore.

Quietly, gently, she felt it: the faintest of tugs somewhere inside her soul, a slight pull from the other side of the galaxy. She held her breath, not wanting to scare it away, not knowing what to do next, worried that the slightest movement could break it. Her skin slowly turned to goosebumps and, sitting perfectly still, she waited.

The feeling passed again, slipping away so slowly and silently that she wasn't really sure it had ever been there at all, like waking up and losing your grip on a dream. Rey's stomach dropped with disappointment and, exasperated, she opened her eyes, huffed out a loud sigh and pushed the book away, raising her eyes to the desert. The sun had nearly set now, and a breeze was picking up, blowing sand against her face. It made her flesh prickle and sting. She tipped her head back and let it whip around her as she forced back hot, angry tears that were threatening to gather in the corners of her eyes.

_Benjy_ , she whispered when she eventually was driven indoors by the gathering sandstorm, _where are you?_

\---

It happened as she argued with Plutt, one late afternoon when it was quiet out in the graveyard.

She was negotiating, trying to get an extra portion for the scrap she'd brought. He was being especially mean with his payments recently, and Rey was sick of it.

"Last week you gave me two portions for one of these and today they're only worth one half? How is that fair?" She leaned over the edge of the counter, clutching her staff and trying to appear menacing despite knowing it was a waste of energy.

"Listen to me, you desert rat. I don't dictate the supply chain. One half portion, or move aside and let someone else up," Plutt said, waving his arm dismissively.

Rey felt a sudden surge of anger. "No, you listen to me - " she started to say, but then the wind was suddenly knocked out of her by a great _whooshing_ feeling that blew in from nowhere, taking her by complete surprise: the staff dropped out of her hand and she fell to her knees onto the hot sand.

Voices were clamouring in her mind, and her stomach twisted, and she knew, absolutely _knew_ that Benjy was stood right behind her. She felt his gaze, piercing into her back; she caught the faint scent of leather.

Slipping, failing to gain purchase against the shifting grains, Rey struggled to her feet and span around, but he _popped_ out of sight again before she could get a glimpse. She gasped at the sensation, stumbling forwards towards the space where he'd stood. But he was still close by, somehow; his warmth lingered, her skin ached and he felt just barely out of reach. She turned her head this way and that, desperately seeking him.

"People keep telling me they know me." His voice was clear as day, like he was standing right beside her and whispering in her ear, even though he was nowhere to be seen. Rey could tell, somehow, that these were his thoughts, not his words, and they were inside her head, not being spoken out loud. "I'm afraid no-one does."

_But I do. I know you. I know you, Benjy_ , she tried to scream, but before she could get the words out Rey was hit by a pure, violent stab of complete darkness that engulfed her.

"Hey - are you ok?" She vaguely heard Plutt asking. He seemed far, far away, lightyears perhaps, his voice so faint as to be almost imperceptible. She tried to look around but she was blind: Benjy's voice was gone, his presence barely a humming in the back of her mind, and there was nothing but endless blackness in all directions. Panicked, she tried to reach for Plutt, desperate for the sweltering sun, the relative safety of the Jakku desert, anything other than this void she was being sucked into, this terrible, shuddering, icy nothingness.

"It's so cold," she heard herself whispering, clutching her arms around her chest as she dropped back to her knees and fought to catch her breath. Little tendrils were reaching in and clasping around her heart, pulling at her thoughts, trying to drag her down. It was a hundred times worse than the last time, that night when she'd puked her guts up; the chill that had caused such churning of her stomach paled in comparison to the absolution and depth of this darkness, to the way it made her very bones feel frozen.

Horrified, she pushed back against it, drawing on strength she didn't know she had and couldn't name or understand: all Rey knew was that she had to protect herself from this, whatever the cost. As the cold seeped deeper under her skin, she gritted her teeth, squeezed her eyes tightly closed, drew a slow, deep breath, and looked inwards, imagining she was building a wall around her mind and her soul. She saw herself, calm, strong, lifting brick after brick, slotting them into place and pushing back the dark coiling fingers that still tried to reach into her mind. Another deep breath; one more. The wall was getting taller. Eventually she stepped backwards, picturing a vault that engulfed it all. She reached out with steady hands, locking the great armoured door, and swallowed the key.

There was a sickening jolt as the air rushed back into her lungs. The darkness dissipated and the creeping vines let go of her mind: the connection was broken. She was kneeling in the desert, sweat pouring from her brow and stinging her eyes as Plutt stared down at her in alarm. Drawing herself up to her feet, brushing the sand from her arms and retrieving her staff from where it had fallen, Rey took her half portion and walked away on wobbling legs, trying to calm her frenzied heartbeat. As she concentrated on the relentless hammering in her chest she noticed that she felt different, like something was missing from inside her: there was the shape of something that she'd never noticed before, but which she now understood had always been there. Now it was gone, leaving her bereft and incomplete.

Shivering under the relentless midday sun, Rey gazed out to the horizon, just a lone scavenger in the Jakku desert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
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	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the day, he was just barely out of sight, like a shadow in her peripheral vision. His presence pressed against her soul; his emotions tumbled and churned alongside her own; his voice echoed in her mind, ever so slightly too faint for her to make out the words. She carried him with her wherever she went. She wondered how much of her life was leaking through to him: did he know where she was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter took so long. I've had some big changes in my life, and it's taken up a lot of my time and energy. I also really wanted to do this chapter justice. I hope I've hit the mark. Please note I've now changed the rating to E. Enjoy ;-)

When they finally, finally settled down in Ajan Kloss, Rey slept.

The previous week - or was it two? Three? She couldn't even tell - was a blur in her mind. Working, and running from the First Order, and more working and more running, had kept her upright. But under it all, she was barely holding it together: all she knew was Ben's pain, her anguish, and the vibrating of their bond. It was a towering wave, threatening to crash down upon her at any moment, strong and powerful enough to wash her out to sea where she'd be lost forever. The effort it took to hold off, to deny the connection when she was desperate to see his face, was taking all her energy and had left her spent.

She went to Leia the day they arrived and begged her for a private room on the base. She didn't care how it looked, was beyond worrying about the dent it would make in her pride or how people would talk about the Last Jedi who thought she was important enough to have her own quarters. She felt crazed after all the time cooped up with her friends, with people on top of her night and day, seeing Ben out of the corner of her eye for the briefest of seconds but never fully connecting with him. She needed to see him, needed it more than she'd ever needed anything in her life, maybe more even than all the times she'd passed out in the desert from lack of water: those times were awful, but this was an agony that penetrated her very being and made her soul ache. So she went into the mess hall, walked right up to Leia, and asked for her own room.

The General was so taken aback by the request that she granted it without an ounce of hesitation, although she did arch an eyebrow, and Rey knew this conversation was far from over. She didn't care. Her legs were wobbling and her breathing was shallow as she memorised the directions and made her way down the hall as fast as she could manage.

The room was tiny and contained nothing but a single chest of drawers, a small, high window which appeared to be stuck permanently open, letting in the humid air, and a low bed pushed up against the far wall. She kicked the door closed behind her. The bed was so hard she may as well have slept on the floor, but Rey hardly noticed; her body practically melted into it as she finally laid down, still fully clothed right down to her boots, and allowed herself to fully breathe out, leaning into the _whoosh_ of his arrival.

She didn't care that he was standing by the door, fully dressed and talking, clearly in a meeting. His eyes darted over to her surreptitiously, then away again; he carried on without acknowledging her any further, but she felt his own relief uncoil in the pit of her stomach. She didn't care that he ignored her, didn't care that they couldn't exchange a single word: all that mattered was that he was here. It felt _divine_ : she almost moaned at the sensation.

Her soul humming contentedly, Rey closed her eyes and sank into a deep, blissfully quiet sleep.

\---

For the longest time, they didn't speak.

He appeared every night without fail. Rey could almost feel the bond sighing with joy as they allowed it to settle back into its old rhythm. But - perhaps due to time differences, or maybe just because of his elevated position with the First Order - he always seemed to be busy working. Rey would lay quietly, watching him talk to someone out of shot, or pace around and tap on unseen consoles and datapads, and he'd occasionally meet her gaze for a long, long second before wrenching it away again.

It was both hateful and _addictive_.

At first she thought that perhaps she should feel unsafe. She was materialising stars only knew where within the enemy's fleet, in her nightclothes, unarmed and frequently half-asleep, whilst he was dressed in armour and boots and always had his lightsaber close to hand. If he decided to attack her, it'd be easy - assuming it was possible over the bond. She considered going to bed fully clothed; she moved her staff back into the bed, a habit she'd been hoping to break.

But as the days wore on, as his gaze lingered on her for longer each time and he never made a single move to hurt her, Rey had to admit to herself that she liked the way it felt to be this vulnerable in his presence.

\---

During the day, he was just barely out of sight, like a shadow in her peripheral vision. His presence pressed against her soul; his emotions tumbled and churned alongside her own; his voice echoed in her mind, ever so slightly too faint for her to make out the words. She carried him with her wherever she went. She wondered how much of her life was leaking through to him: did he know where she was? Could he see what had happened to the Resistance, how badly they'd been decimated?

Standing at the back of a darkened room in a strategy meeting on a hot, stuffy afternoon, fanning herself with a large frond she'd picked from a tree outside and struggling to concentrate on Nien Nunb as he chattered away, Rey pondered. Twenty other people were gathered, mostly sat on chairs; Poe was stood, arms folded, at the front of the room, controlling the holoprojector. Finn was sat in the front row, arms resting on his knees, chin cupped in his hands as he gazed up at the pilot. She studied him, smiling a little and enjoying the way affection was flowing out of his Force signature, bathing him and Poe in a sweet, bright light. It made her stomach flip and flutter.

The room smelled of sweat. She wiped her hand across her forehead and swallowed a cough, hating how the humid air here seemed to stick in her lungs, making her feel halfway towards drowning every time she drew a breath. She suddenly missed the colder dampness of Ahch-To. At least the air there had been bracing, instead of stifling.

She wished she didn't have to be here. She wished none of them did; she just wanted the war to end, wanted everyone to be free to do whatever they pleased, live wherever they wanted, spend their days in offices or classrooms or studios. Anything but this room, surrounded by reminders of all they'd lost, all the First Order had done. Possessed by the desire to make him see, make him understand, she loosened her grip on the bond, opening it up a little - just enough to let him in. She leaned back against the wall and let out a slow, controlled breath as the connection clicked into place and he appeared way over on the other side of the room. He was stood tall, stiffly, with his hands behind his back; his eyes darted over to her - and then widened.

_I can see where you are_ , he muttered. He was across the room, but his voice was a hot whisper in her ear; she almost jumped in surprise.

She watched as his eyes travelled slowly around the gathering. For a moment she thought she should be panicking, raising the alarm; the Supreme Leader might be about to work out their location and send in enough TIE Fighters to take them all out and end this thing forever. But there was no hint of malice, no sign of violence. His thoughts were guarded; she tried to press gently into his mind but he wouldn't let her.

She saw his eyes slowly settle on Leia, who was sat at a table off to one side, working on a datapad. A wave of emotion hit Rey hard; it was sorrow, deep and sharp and gut-wrenching. She bit her lip and tensed her whole body, letting the feelings roll on through her, clenching her fists by her side. He was still staring at his mother, and Rey watched, alarm rising within her, as the General looked sharply up and directly towards him with wide eyes.

With a _pop_ , he was gone; Rey gasped, feeling winded. When she finally regained control, she realised that Leia's gaze was upon her.

\---

It had taken what felt like forever, but she was nearly done fixing the Falcon, at long last.

The condensation problem was far worse than she'd expected, and the jungle climate of Ajan Kloss was not helping matters. She had to completely remove the compressor and use countless cans of air to dry it out, and then once it was fixed she realised she'd need to build a protective casing for it if they were staying on this planet where the air was more like soup.

As she perched atop a tall ladder, dismantling the casing for the fifth time because it still wasn't quite right, her mind wandered. The sun was begnning to set outside, and it was quiet in the hangar. She had no idea what time it was.

Nobody was about; she basked in the solitude and let herself think about him, relaxing a little so his presence was keener, brighter, dancing against her skin. It felt good. He nudged against her mind, and she let him see what she was doing.

She wasn't prepared for the onslaught of raw grief that ripped through her when he saw the thoughts of his father's ship. Horror and disgust rushed into her being as she relived Han's death from Ben's perspective: it was terrible, unbearable. She dropped her wrench and shrieked; her skin broke out in a cold sweat. She was dry heaving, wobbling on the narrow step. Her vision narrowed; she could feel herself slipping into a dark, cold place.

"Ben, please," she said out loud, through gritted teeth. "It's ok. _It's ok._ " Torment, hot and hateful was battering her from all sides. She had a sense that he was roaring, raging, breaking things wherever he was, and she squeezed her eyes closed. She desperately wanted to comfort him, but he couldn't hear her, and Rey knew she had no choice but to step back. She pulled the bond closed just enough to muffle it, enough to give her back her senses: she had to find some calm before she could lose her balance and topple to her death.

A few long minutes passed. She sat very still as her heart slowed from its panicked cadence, as her hands stopped trembling and her vision cleared. He was still suffering, but it was more of an itch on her skin, now, rather than a dagger in her heart. She ran her hands over her face, hating this, hating it all.

\---

When she finally turned in that night, he gave her his attention.

He appeared, as always, near the door. He was fully dressed, and animated; gesturing and shouting about schedules and plans. To her amazement, when he registered her presence he dismissed his invisible colleagues with a wave of his hand and a few brief words. After several long seconds, during which she assumed they were leaving whatever room he was in, he drew a deep, slow breath, ran a hand through his hair, and turned to face her.

"Are you ok?" the words tumbled from Rey's mouth before she could stop them.

He didn't answer, at first. He moved closer, then to her great surprise settled down on the floor, right by the bed. The image of this man, this powerful warlord, with his great flowing cape and heavy boots, sat cross-legged at her feet was ridiculous; she forced herself not to smirk, desperate not to scare him off.

It was the closest they'd been to each other in weeks - since that brief tryst in the Falcon. Now she could smell his cologne, could see the fine lines around his tired, puffy eyes, and the memory came rushing back in. All of a sudden she was gripped by the desire to pick up where they'd left off, to drag him onto this cot and pour light into him.

A ripple passed over the bond as he saw her thoughts; the ghost of a smile crept across his face. She studied him slowly, thinking of his earlier outburst; she'd feared there would be more now, but he just looked exhausted. Rey reached forwards, needing to touch him. He intercepted her hand before she could get there, grasping her fingers delicately with his own. The soft leather of his glove felt wrong; she wanted to touch his skin. He hadn't answered her question. She nudged him. "Ben?"

He shook his head, looking down. Affection, warm and light, flooded through Rey. She scrambled off the bed to sink down beside him and put an arm around his shoulder. He started to cry, quietly now, leaning heavily against her. Sadness and shame was pouring off of him. The rage had passed.

Rey had no idea how long they sat there together. The lamp grew low on fuel, and the room became dim. The air pouring through the open window grew cooler and fresher as the night deepened. Eventually, his weeping died down. She leaned up and planted a gentle kiss on his temple. "You need to get some rest," she murmured, tenderly tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. "Are you in your quarters?"

"No," he said. His voice was thick. "I shouldn't even still be in here. I guess I'd better go."

"Can you… come back to me? When you get there?" She felt stupid, suddenly, asking him questions about this thing they'd shared for so long, embarrassed by her ignorance of how it worked.

"We'll see," he said. With a _pop_ , he was gone; Rey slowly eased herself back up onto the bed, her whole body protesting after all the time on the cold, hard floor. She lay on her side for several long, uneasy minutes, staring across the room at the wall, before starting to slip off to sleep; and then all of a sudden _, whoosh_ , and to her surprise he was right in front of her, lying in her bed in his nightclothes, his hair wild and splayed across her pillow, his lips mere inches from her own.

His eyes were wide with surprise; a hot spark of desire leap across the bond between them.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What for?" She reached up to rest her hand gently on his cheek, running a thumb over his stubble.

"Everything," he said. "I've made so many mistakes, I don't know where to start trying to fix them."

Rey tried to stay calm, tried not to let slip how hope was blossoming in her chest. She thought of Leia's words. _I know there's still light in my son_. She looked him over, took in his sad expression, felt the torment that lingered deep within him.

"Start here," she whispered, pressing her lips slowly to his.

He kissed her tentatively, almost shyly: as if it was the first time, as if he'd never shoved her against a wall and ground himself against her with urgent desperation.

He tasted of fresh mint, and he slid a hand over her to rest on the small of her back as they kissed.

Heat was growing between them, but she thought back to that conversation they'd had on Ahch-To. How far could they go with the bond before it would cut them off? He was exhausted, she thought, and his state was fragile; he needed her here. She couldn't get carried away and risk disappearing on him.

"Go to sleep, Ben," she whispered, running a finger over his clavicle after they broke apart. "You're gonna be ok. We'll figure it out."

His eyes were already drifting closed; she pulled him closer, tucking his head under her chin. He snuggled into her frame, tightened his arm around her body. A frisson of warmth and light settled over them like a blanket; the bond gently tingled. She felt the exact moment he fell asleep, as all the voices and clamouring in his mind died away.

Palm trees were gently shaking in the breeze outside. Rey listened to them for a good long time before drifting off to sleep.

\---

They didn't speak again for weeks.

After that one tender night they'd spent together, he had gone back to whatever schedule he was on, and she was again lying in bed at night watching him work until she fell asleep. They'd lock eyes for longer, now; she'd feel his emotions even more keenly, and sometimes he'd move as if to approach her, but something always seemed to interrupt them - almost always on his side of the bond, although one particular night when he was in his quarters and ready to climb into the bed with her, Finn came hammering on Rey's door shouting about a problem with the Falcon, startling her so completely that she'd broken the connection.

She'd felt terrible, despite knowing it wasn't her fault, despite all the times he'd done it to her.

She was sure she felt things shifting inside him; his emotions, as they poured across the bond, were increasingly softer, gentler. She knew he was able to see a good amount of her day, now; once, he made it through as she had a heated argument with Poe about which ships were ready for a mission. He lurked in the corner of the room like a shadow, unmoving and silent, as Poe ranted about how they needed a fleet of proper fighters for a mission, rather than the handful of battered, refurbished, barely-functional x-wings Leia had agreed he could take with him. Infuriated, exhausted by it all, Rey waved her hand towards Ben as she all but shouted, "yeah, well, we haven't _got_ any of those, have we Poe, because the bloody First Order took everything from us!"

His face fell, and he vanished - but not before Rey felt a jolt of what felt very much like guilt.

He showed up another time as she sat quietly at an empty table in a corner of the mess hall, eating a meagre ration as slowly as she could manage. The Order had barricaded a trade route and they were running low on food; Rey had denied to herself exactly how upsetting she found this, had pretended she couldn't feel the creeping, deep-seated panic it kindled inside her as she was forced to flash back to those awful times on Jakku when she'd gone to bed hungry, or spent days in the desert only to return home with a pathetic quarter portion to show for her sunburned skin and chapped lips.

His presence had been lingering close by all day, but as she chewed her ration and the anxiety climbed inside her, he must have sensed something was wrong; suddenly he was beside her at the table, concern plain as day on his face. He regarded her, looked down at her plate. She felt the unspoken question in his mind: _Please tell me you've got more to eat_.

When she surreptitiously shook her head, trying to avoid drawing attention from the pilots at the next table, he looked devastated.

\---

And then the Force decided to ramp things up a gear.

When Rey stepped into the turbolift on a hot afternoon, squeezing past three other pilots to linger at the back, she was not even thinking of him. She was thinking about how many new people had arrived on base recently. She didn't know any of the pilots in the lift: Poe and Leia were working flat out to recruit people, and it was paying off, at last. She was pleased. But she was unhappy, too, because despite being new to the base, the way they looked at her when she stepped through the doors made it clear she'd been recognised. Again.

She sighed, tired of hearing people whisper about the Last Jedi when they didn't know she was nearby, tired of snide comments about her lifting rocks, tired of feeling like she was expected to win the war by using the Force alone. She was tired of being someone. She missed being Just Rey.

_Tell me about it,_ he thought back at her. _Try being the child of two war heroes._

She didn't realise he had been listening that closely, and was momentarily startled. But then the prickling started at the small of her back. Panicked, Rey held her breath, trying to resist him. N _ot now not now not now_ , she thought, looked around the crowded elevator. She had been getting so much better at working with the bond, at pushing back when it was a bad time, at tugging on it, pulling him to her when she needed him. But this time was like those connections back on Ahch-To: out of her control, a sudden, unexpected connection.

With a _whoosh_ and a drop of her stomach that had nothing to do with the moving lift, he appeared - and the bond was surely toying with them. Ben was pressed right up against her, his body flush with hers, his lips already grazing her own. His breath was on her mouth before she even realised what was happening; he smelled of sweat and dirt and sweet aftershave. After all the weeks of distance from one another, the sudden intimacy sent a sharp surge of arousal through Rey's body; it took every ounce of strength she had to not let out a moan.

Their eyes locked; he looked as alarmed as she felt. _Where are you?_ She thought.

_I'm in a kriffing lift with Hux_ , he sent back.

She would have laughed, if she hadn't felt so desperate.

Shifting her body didn't help, either. The cold durasteel handrail dug painfully into her spine and she involuntarily leaned away from it and closer into his embrace. The elevator jolted, and his knees buckled, and then he slotted right against her for a second, and he was hot and hard, and he somehow hit her right where she wanted him. His face flushed furiously; she tried to suppress a violent shiver of desire but the need to buck up into him was almost unbearable. She bit her lip and forced out a breath, trying not to focus on how good he smelled, how solid and warm he was, how desperate she was to wrap herself around him.

It was the sweetest, cruellest torture: she broke out in a sweat, and her legs started quivering. She couldn't remember where she was going; she barely knew her name. All there was was the bond, pulling them together, winding itself tightly around them, urging them to marry their bodies to match their souls. She felt empty and aching and ready to beg him to take her. She tipped her head back a little, barely biting back a whine as he shifted slightly and rubbed against her just so; he rested his face on her neck, just barely, and very quietly whimpered.

I'm going to die of this, Rey thought, praying the pilots couldn't see as she ever so slightly circled her hips, creating the tiniest bit of delicious friction. Her fingers ached to grab him and force him closer. She held her breath as he shifted once more, just enough to send a thrill through her, to make her quiver and clench around nothing. She wanted to scream.

And then the turbolift stopped moving - and he popped out of sight.

The immediate absence of his heat was maddening. Rey felt crazed at the sudden lack of pressure against her. The doors opened and she shoved her way out, past the pilots. One of them tutted as she knocked her shoulder with his. "Sorry," she called back, her voice coming out high and reedy. The afternoon's errands long forgotten, Rey sprinted to her quarters, slamming the door behind her, sliding under the covers of her bed and desperately reaching down to touch herself, not bothering to even remove her clothes; her underthings were damp against the back of her hand as she pushed a finger inside, letting out a moan at the relief. She tried to open the bond, wanting the relief of that too, but he resisted her. It didn't matter: she worked out a quick, frenzied release and came hard on her hand as she remembered the taste of his lips, the feel of him against her.

Afterwards, as she lay panting and sweaty and still vaguely craving his touch, she thought of the visions she'd had of them together. She thought of the soft images: making love, pouring light into him. She thought of the darker ones, when she moved hard against him and he growled into her ear. As her body hummed, as she thought of his eyes and his voice and his hair between her fingers, as she slowly began to rock against her palm again, needing more, she listened to the wind rustling in the trees outside, tasted the distant sea air as it blew through the open window, and thought of the island.

\---

She went to see Leia.

The General had clearly been expecting her; she ushered Rey into the office without a single question, and sat down to look upon her with nothing but kindness.

The room was smaller than the office on D'Qar, but it was laid out the same. Looking around, gathering her courage, Rey's eyes landed on the small pot of quills, sat on a window ledge now, drenched in the sunlight streaming through the transparisteel. She thought of Benjy, writing a letter to his mother from the Jedi school, begging her to let him come home.

This is it, she thought. Tell her everything.

So she did.

She told Leia about the childhood visits. She told her about the time she'd ended up on the Falcon. She told her about his shift from sweet and gentle to angry and withdrawn; how he'd seemed to be hiding things from her; the depths of his despair. She told her about Takodana, and the manner in which he'd forced his way into her mind and reawakened the bond. She told her, shamefaced and embarrassed, about Ahch-To, and the Supremacy, and the Falcon after Crait.

Leia didn't falter, didn't interrupt, didn't once look angry.

She looked _pleased_.

When Rey was finally done, she leaned back in her chair, causing it to creak ominously. She was exhausted. She tugged gently on the bond, craving Ben's comforting presence, but he remained faint; she realised he was shying away from his mother's Force signature. A sense of unease and distrust settled in her stomach. She worried he might explode again, but after a few long moments, it seemed like he had it under control, this time.

Leia was half-smiling. Rey probably hadn't guarded herself too well, she realised as the General took her hand and leaned towards her, her eyes shining. Her fingers were long, the skin warm and soft. The faint scent of lavender lingered. Her hair was in a long braid, and it fell across her left shoulder as she moved.

"You need a teacher to help you learn to work with the Force and figure out how to use the bond to help Ben," she said slowly. "Luke didn't understand what was going on, but I do. I'm not a true Jedi, but maybe that's better anyway. I know the Force, and I know Ben, and I know you. What do you say?"

A lump formed in Rey's throat.

_You need a teacher_

"Ben wanted to teach me," she whispered, feeling stupid.

"I know. He will. Let's you and I figure out what we can. Let's bring Ben home. Then he can teach you everything I can't."

Home, Rey thought, her eyes darting around the room again. She looked out of the window, past the quills, at the trees, the edge of the jungle, the cloudless blue sky above it all. She thought of Jakku, of the sand and relentless sunlight and the wind whipping across the dunes at night. She thought of Ahch-To, the pouring rain and the vast grey ocean.

_Come with me to the island, Rey_ , she heard him thinking.

She looked into Leia's eyes. Oh, how her face reminded Rey of Ben.

"Please, Rey?"

"Okay," she said, finally.

Over the bond, Ben was uneasy, but she had a feeling that this was good. This was right. This would work.

She kissed Leia's cheek and left the office, heading out into the jungle. The humidity immediately settled around her, and she broke out in a sweat. The sun was high in the sky; she squinted and cupped a hand over her eyes as she gazed up at the top of the trees, their fronds swaying in the breeze. She watched a bird fly overhead; she took a deep breath. The bond quivered around her, and she let him in; he was leaning against a tree, holding his lightsaber, breathing hard as if she'd interrupted him during training. He reached up and wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, frowning hard.

Rey looked around; there was nobody here. She walked over to him and gently brushed her hand against his.

"I hope you know what you're doing," he said.

She nodded.

"I do," she said, surprised at how sure she sounded.

"I'm scared," he said plainly, sinking down to his knees. Startled, Rey followed him, throwing another glance over her shoulder to make sure nobody was nearby.

"It's gonna be ok, sweetheart," she whispered.

He looked at her for a long moment, their gazes locked, the bond humming and swirling around them.

"Ok," he breathed.

There was a sound behind Rey; someone was coming from the other side of the building. They were out of time.

Her heart hammered in her chest as she quickly planted a chaste kiss on his lips. She pulled away just enough to whisper, "you're ok," against his mouth, before pulling the bond gently closed. He dissolved before her.

She hoped she was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Come see me on Tumblr!  
> https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this killing you as much as it's killing me? She asked him, as his hand roamed lower and he just barely touched between her legs. She suppressed a whimper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for slowing down with this work. I've got a LOT going on right now. Please bear with me. The story will continue to unfold, I promise, just at a more gentle pace for now. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

When she was 17 years old, Rey met a boy called Ares.

She was at the simulators, having amassed enough portions over the past year to pay someone for a ride into the town for the day. She gave a scavenged piece of jewellery to the guy who ran the place, in exchange for three hours using the machines.

The place was dark and dingy and smelled terrible - of sweat and stale smoke and Knockback Nectar. Patrons of the adjoining bar occasionally wandered in and had to be herded back towards the door by the bored-looking Twi'lek security guard.

Rey didn't care. She had three whole hours to herself.

As she whooped and laughed and smiled, enjoying every minute of simulated flight, pleased with herself for how good she'd gotten practicing at home on her shitty little setup, she became aware of a presence nearby. She tried to ignore it but eventually her concentration broke and the ship she was flying crashed into a cliff.

_Kriff!_ She shrieked, leaning back in the seat. It creaked beneath her. She heard a chuckle, and eventually looked over, letting go of the damp, juddering joystick and rubbing her sweaty palms.

Standing in the corner, leaning against the wall with an amused smile ghosting across his mouth was a tall, blond-haired boy in a pilot's jacket, tan slacks and heavy black boots. He was watching her. His smile was wide, revealing slightly wonky teeth, and he was holding a box of death sticks in one hand.

He was _gorgeous_. Rey felt all the air rush out of her lungs; her whole body went hot.

The boy winked.

\---

She missed her ride back to the desert. She stayed out there with him for a full week.

Ares was a spice runner. She knew it was stupid; she knew he was bad news. She couldn't bring herself to care. The chemistry between them was electric. He told her stories about the dangerous, completely illegal adventures he'd been on. He knew dirty jokes from worlds she'd never heard of. He was tall and rugged and carried a blaster, and Rey could not get enough of him. He had a tiny little ship which was barely big enough for the two of them to fit into, but she didn't care: it was romantic and exciting and wild and crazy. When they found time to sleep, it was with him reclined in his pilot's seat and her on top, her bare feet resting on the console, her head tucked under his chin; but most of the time they drank Knockback Nectar and Corellian Whiskey, and had awkward, exhilarating sex in the cockpit after dark. Twice they got caught in the act and Ares had to pay off an officer to avoid them getting arrested; Rey sat quietly, pretending not to see the exchange take place, looking at her reflection in the window and marvelling at her hair in disarray, the love marks on her neck, the blush that coloured her cheeks.

He made her feel special, and precious, and beautiful. He made her feel alive, more alive than she could remember ever feeling.

He would drop her off in the desert and fly off into the night, before returning unexpectedly, weeks later.

She pined after him, his touch, the way he looked at her and how he made her feel, whenever he was gone. It ruined her. She nearly fell to her death inside an old ship when scavenging for parts, because she was too busy remembering his fingers trailing over her spine. She forgot to bring a canteen out to the graveyard, once, and fainted whilst standing in the queue for Plutt. And one time she forgot to brace the door with the pipe, and woke up in the dead of night in a cold sweat from a nightmare about a masked man breaking in and taking whatever he wanted whilst she cowered in the corner.

She felt insane, possessed, beyond distracted. Her heart seemed to be beating his name; at night she could feel it in her chest, _Ares-Ares-Ares-Ares._ It was crazy.

_This is just like that time_ , Rey thought to herself now, as she tossed and turned in her bed on the base on Ajan Kloss after a day of repeatedly screwing up the damn training course, of dropping her lightsaber into a chasm and only just managing to pull it back before it crashed into the rocks below, of being incapable of holding a meaningful conversation with Rose - all because the connection with Ben was invading her entire being.

The training was incredibly physically hard. Rey was fit, but her body was still recovering from years of malnutrition, and her muscles ached every night when she got into bed. She was also struggling to unlearn some of her bad habits in combat; she'd taught herself how to fight with her staff, and had no understanding of proper fighting techniques. Leia was a good teacher, fair and reasonable, but Rey was a perfectionist. Every landing she didn't get quite right had to be re-tried again, and again, and again, until it was _just so_.

She was pushing herself, and Ben didn't like it. He appeared in her room one night, mercifully alone and able to talk to her, and a frown passed over his face when he saw her.

"You're exhausted," he said, shaking his head. "I could feel it all day. What happened to you? Why are you covered in bruises?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I fell when I was training," she said, waving her hand and trying to come up with a way to change the subject, but it was stupid, given that he could see her thoughts and feel her pain.

He climbed into the bed beside her and grasped her hand in his, kissing the knuckles tenderly.

"Please take better care of yourself, Rey," he whispered.

Her stomach lurched at the realisation that he cared. He ran a hand gently along her body, and she flinched as the muscles contracted painfully under his touch.

"Please," he said, his eyes wide.

How could she deny him? She nodded, muttered a promise to be more careful. He vanished a few minutes later, and she curled into a tight ball and cried.

\---

Learning the Force, meanwhile, turned out to be breathtakingly easy.

Every day, she felt a little closer to it. Every week she understood it a little better, knew its nuances and quirks, knew how it moved and flowed. She knew the Bond better, too: knew the way it wrapped around her and Ben and tied them together, anchored them to each other in the vast ocean of the Force.

It _was_ like that year back on Jakku, she thought, when all she knew was Ares, when everything she saw reminded her of him, when his smile felt more important than portions, and every day that they were together she sank a little more deeply into her feelings for him. The more she knew of the Force the more she craved it, the better she got at working with it, the more easily she could interact with the Bond. And the easier it got, the more she pulled on it, wanting to see him more, more, _more_.

Ben noticed when she managed to keep him in her bed for a whole night. He opened his eyes at daybreak to see her gazing at him, and his brow crinkled as confusion bubbled up in his mind and across to her.

"You're still here?"

She nodded, running a finger over his mouth.

"You're awake?" It was half-question, half-statement.

"I'm still awake, yeah."

"You've not slept?" He sat up, leaning against the wall. The sheet slid down his body, revealing his bare chest; Rey shivered in spite of the humid air.

"You were concentrating on keeping the Bond open." This was a statement. He could see in her head, after all.

She bit her lip and averted her gaze.

"You're learning about the Force. My mother is doing a good job."

Rey's head snapped up in amazement.

It was his turn to be shy; a blush crept up his neck. She felt ripples of affection flow across the bond. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, like he was proud of her. Something had shifted in him; it was like a tide was turning. As she gazed at him, she realised what it was: Light was starting to show on the edges of his Force signature. It was leaking into the bond, bathing him in a golden glow.

It was so beautiful that Rey couldn't help herself. She threw her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his, curling a leg over his hip and pressing against his warm, solid body.

"I love you,' she whispered into his ear, unable to hold it back.

Even as the words tumbled from her mouth, Rey could feel that she'd found the limits of what the Force would allow them to share over the bond. Before she could draw back and look into his eyes, Ben vanished, leaving Rey tangled in her sheets, alone.

\---

Between the growing heat between them, his increasingly obvious shift towards the light, and the inability to really express any feelings for each other across the bond, things were getting harder to bear.

Rey thought of Ares, and how his visits became fewer and farther between. He'd call her from time to time on the datapad he'd brought her, but gone were the days where they'd giggle and simper at each other; the calls had become maudlin, desperately sad, filled with declarations of missing one another and then long silences as Rey tried not to cry and Ares tried not to put his fist through the screen.

The Bond tingled and burned at night. The Force howled around her during the day. She frequently felt possessed by rage; she wasn't sure if it was his or hers. She wasn't even sure if there was a difference any more.

One afternoon when it was hot and sticky, and the air was still and heavy, she shouted at Finn.

She couldn't find the right wrenches to perform maintenance on the Falcon; the toolbox they lived in had gone AWOL and, after searching for over an hour, she snapped. It had nothing to do with him whatsoever but she accused him of taking them anyway, shouting and cursing in the middle of the mess hall until Poe came in and told her to shut up and go walk it off. She did, stomping in circles in the disgusting heat outside, muttering to herself. Ben's presence shoved against her; she resisted him, not able to bear the way it hurt.

Finn came to see her after a couple of hours. She was sat on the ground in a secluded spot far from camp where she often went to think. She was leaning against a tree, allegedly meditating but really just wishing desperately that things could be different. Force only knew how he'd even found her; nobody else ever came this way. She watched him as he approached. He looked good; being with Poe had given him confidence, not to mention a better wardrobe.

"Alright, Rey, it's time to tell me what's going on here," he said, getting straight to the point. "And don't you be fobbing me off with no Jedi business shit, now. I want the truth."

She sighed. Was it safe to tell him? He was, after all, an ex-stormtrooper. Maybe he could understand. On the other hand, he probably encountered Kylo Ren during his time under the First Order, and she doubted those encounters had been pleasant.

The Force felt stronger, since he'd sat down. She leaned into it for a moment, breathing it in, before realising what was going on. Finn was Force sensitive. It swirled around him delicately, unsure of itself, coming and going like a tide. It whispered in Rey's ear, assuring her that Finn was trustworthy.

She swallowed hard, dreading it anyway. He was watching her, tapping his foot, not taking silence as an answer.

"You'd better sit down," she said, patting the ground beside her. "This is going to take a while, and you're probably not going to like it."

\---

Finn sat quietly for several minutes. Rey chewed the inside of her cheek and watched him, feeling the Force gently flow through him. He was frowning a little, staring up at the heavy clouds that were gathering. He fiddled with the edge of his shirt - Poe's shirt, she realised - and breathed slowly. Rey coughed. Her throat was dry; she knew that her canteen was empty. He handed his over without seeming to realise she hadn't asked for it out loud. Rey could swear she felt the Force smile a little.

After an age, he shifted, sending a cloud of dust up around them, and looked her in the eye.

"You're right. I don't like it. I don't trust this guy at all, after everything he's done. But I do trust you, and... I do trust the Force." Finn paused for a second, licking his lips.

"I also know that you have to be true to your feelings, Rey. If you love this guy, if there really is this connection between the two of you, then you have to do something. You can't just sit on it and hope it goes away. It'll drive you crazy."

Rey sighed.

He reached for her chin and tilted her face towards his, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Trust me," he murmured.

Rey thought of Ares; of how much she had loved him, and how much that had scared her. She thought of how she'd ended it with him when the pining and the distance got to be too much.

She thought of breaking things off with Ben, of going back to that time when she was isolated from the Force, cut off from the Bond, cut off from him. The idea of that dark, empty place made her feel sick to her stomach.

She thought of the island. The trees behind her shook in the breeze, as if reading her mind. The bond rushed in like a tide lapping at the ocean; she just barely stopped him from materialising right by Finn. Her skin prickled and flushed with the effort of denying the desperate need to have him here, to see him, to _feel_ him.

Finn got to his feet. "I gotta get back to Poe," he said, blushing a little. Rey craned her neck and cupped a hand over her eyes to block out the sunlight. To her surprise, Finn smiled. "You'll end up where you're supposed to be, Rey," he said, then turned and strode away, leaving her alone.

The trees shook gently. Insects buzzed nearby. The air crackled, hot and thick. Rey got to her feet and paced for a few minutes, waiting until Finn's Force signature grew dim and she knew he was way out of earshot.

_Where are you?_ She whispered, finally.

_I'm here_ , he said, materialising behind her, his lips on her neck, his hand on her hip.

Rey squeezed her eyes closed, letting him stay for a few seconds, her hand drifting down to meet his. She felt the Light pouring off of him now. She was gritting her teeth with the effort of not turning around to face him.

He put his mouth against her cheek. His breathing was harsh and ragged. This was no good; they were outside, they could get caught.

He learned over and gently kissed her throat.

It was no good, but oh, it was so, so good.

_Is this killing you as much as it's killing me?_ She asked him, as his hand roamed lower and he just barely touched between her legs. She suppressed a whimper.

He was hard; he was pressing against her behind. She felt him trying not to move against her.

_It's killing me, sweetheart_ , he muttered into her ear.

A twig snapped, somewhere nearby, and Rey jumped; the bond instantly closed.

It was just a zymod passing by, she realised, but the moment had passed.

Rey dropped to her knees, and cried.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever properly planned, long length fanfic. I really have no idea what I'm doing so please be kind :)
> 
> I'd like to acknowledge the following publications which I read as ~*~research~*~ :
> 
> Resistance Reborn by Rebecca Roanhorse  
> Bloodline by Claudia Gray  
> The Rise of Kylo Ren by Charles Soule and Will Sliney  
> The Rise of Skywalker Visual Dictionary by Pablo Hidalgo  
> Basically all of Wookieepedia
> 
> Come see me on Tumblr! https://redredreylo.tumblr.com


End file.
